Football head: When someone's head had the shape of a football, minus the pointy ends. Essentially, the point (heh) is to think about it as a head someone can throw like a football. Formally thought of as "linebacker head," until the realization was reached that linebackers just had GIANT heads, period. Seriously. Linebackers are all heads and guts. Which sounds like some kind of motto a football coach would use. "HEADS AND GUTS!"
Nowadays, football head is most noticeable in quarterbacks. Maybe it's because they're the most well-known, I guess. Also, it seems to mostly afflict Caucasians (with one exception). Here are my favorite football heads, with pictures for those of you who are not football-inclined.
Chris Berman
As those of you who read my other football blog (and/or who watch ESPN) know, Chris Berman is not a football player. BUT LOOK AT THAT HEAD. It's so footbally! And Philly cheeseteaky. Seriously. That dude looks (and sounds) like he lives on Philly cheesesteaks and cigars. This is the man for whom the term "football head" was created, so he must be mentioned. He is the President of the Football Head Club, but unlike the Hair Club president, he is not also a client. (And by client, I mean that he doesn't play football. [You know, in case you didn't get my super-subtle jokes. They're so subtle! Right?] Nor is he a client of the Hair Club, obviously.) With this in mind, I shall give each of the following quarterbacks an officer position for the Football Head Club.
Peyton Manning - Public Relations
I couldn't find a good picture of his head, but trust: it is epic. He gets extra points for his ENORMOUS forehead, and pointy chin. Any time I see him without his helmet on, my mind screams, "FOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOTBAAAAAAAAAAAAAALL HEAD." He actually looks more normal with a helmet on. I love it. I wonder if he secretly wants to live with a helmet on at all times, because sometimes he doesn't take it off immediately at the end of games. Pey-Pey makes me want to create an animated cartoon where children play football with his head. Who wouldn't want to watch that cartoon? BECAUSE IT WOULD BE AWESOME. He's also really nice, and has a hot wife. Thus, he is our PR guy.
Eli Manning - Treasurer
Skinny football head! The shape is still there, but it's not as bulbous as some other football headers. Eli is similar to Peyton in that he looks more normal in a helmet, as well. He gets the Treasurer position because his head isn't as impressive as some of the others, and no one likes being treasurer, so he got the short stick. Man, football headers can be jerks sometimes. I bet they were the ones who leaked those pics of Eli drunk in college. Although... so what? Who DIDN'T get drunk in college? Good for Eli for seeming normal. He tempers Peyton's seeming perfection. How did I get on this topic? This is not what I should be talking about.
Donovan McNabb - Secretary
GOOD GRAVY THAT IS A FOOTBALL OF A HEAD. Look at it. It's so glorious in its footballyness. Donovan gets the distinction of being the only minority in the NFL with football head. This distinction, of course, has only been made by me, and I don't know every player in the NFL. Feel free to enlighten me of other football heads in the comments. Why is he the secretary? Because someone had to be. And he keeps to himself, which is what you want in a secretary. I mean, look at this season: the contentious trade, the freefall that the Redskins are in... and is Donovan (I use his first name CUZ WE'RE TOTES BESTIES) causing any shit? No. It's fucking Albert Haynesworth. Good for you, Donnie. Just keep your (SERIOUSLY IT'S HUGE) head down and take those notes.
Ben Roethlisberger - Vice President
Side football head! And OF COURSE he's vice president; he probably intimidated his way into the position, and is now trying to figure out how to kill off Philly Cheesesteak. Man, he is a bad ass as a quarterback, but he brings shame to the good name of Football Head. Allegedly. Also, he is quite beefy for a quarterback. Maybe THAT'S why he's VP. Beefaroni and Philly Cheesesteak work together to keep the quieter members of the Football Head Club in line. And then they inappropriately fondle ladies. Allegedly.
And here are 2 up-and-comers of the Football Head Club...
Jon Kitna
It's like he's about to point at it: "Look guys, it's a football head! Seriously! I'M WORTH SOMETHING." Kitna's road to football headery is much like his NFL career. He's always been there, he's not terrible... but no one really cares about him. His football head is neither large nor weird enough to make an impression. Now that he's helped out the Cowboys some, Beefaroni and Philly Cheesesteak decided that they had to let him in. But he'll probably get kicked out when Romo comes back... even though it's still a majestic football head.
Brett Favre
He didn't always have a football head. But once he retired/got fired/what-the-FUCK-ever from Green Bay, the football head has started to emerge. Any time he has a new issue (be it sucking for the Jets, sucking for the Vikings, or sending photos of his awkward, small penis), the football head gets bigger. I couldn't find a more recent photo, but if you look at him today, his football head is RAGING. Ha... raging football head. That has to be some sexual thing that happens when people tailgate. Anyway, either Brett Favre is eating his feelings, and all that food is going to his head, or he consciously tried to grow a football head in order to distract people from his personal problems. Either way, it amuses me greatly, so I encourage your football head, Brett Fuckre.
I was gonna write about how Tom Brady's head is the opposite of football head, and how he's trying to create a new club called I Grew My Hair Out So That People Don't Know How Small My Head Is Club. But clearly, the joke is right there in the club name. So I'll just leave it at that. Feel free to comment on other football heads (whether they play football or not), or Tom Brady-like heads. Seriously. Look at Tom Brady in a helmet. HIS HEAD IS RIDICULOUSLY SMALL.
