Did you know that there's a McDonald's by the Dallas Zoo? And did you know that it's zoo-themed? BECAUSE IT IS AND IT KEEPS MAKING TERRIFYING ANIMALS NOISES AT ME WHILE I'M TRYING TO GET SOME WORK DONE. This is worse than the obnoxious teenagers. I think I've had 17 heart attacks since I've been here. Thus, blogging, because I can't concentrate on anything important.
By the way, the only reason that the original Pure Country owned (and let's be clear here, it NEVER owned, not even in an old-timey historical sense where it owned slaves, which would actually make sense in a country movie, although I guess not anymore since black people make country music [I'M LOOKING AT YOU DARIUS RUCKER], which kind of upsets me because country music was all crazy racism [that's crazism, for those of you playing at home], and now black people are like "yeah, that's cool, but me singing with a weird twang is even cooler" or something? anyway, the point being that Pure Country does not, and will never OWN in any awesome sense of the word) was because of Leslie Ann Warren.
Ah, Leslie Ann Warren. You are my favorite cray cray lay day. To wit:
- Clue
- Secretary
- Sydney Pollock's crazy mistress on Will & Grace
Those are just off the top of my head. Apparently she was naked a lot and kissed ladies in some older movies, like No Way Out with Kevin Costner, when Kevin Costner was awesome. Remember that? MAN. I miss awesome Kevin Costner. He should write a movie - no, wait, scratch that FOREVER - he should be in a movie with Leslie Ann Warren. I would watch the shit out of that. And then I would somehow age 15 years whilst watching it. [edit: Turns out the movie I was thinking of was Color of Night, with Bruce Willis. And he still KINDA has a career. So I feel stupid. But I would still watch a movie with the two of them. And it would OWN, unlike stupid stupid waste-of-time Pure Country.]
But it would be worth it. I think. I hope. I PRAY.
So you get Leslie Ann Warren in Pure Country 2, and I'll be there in my hair. Which I will style all Texas-big, because the only thing I know about country music is stereotypes.
(I am embarrassed that I have written 2 blogs ostensibly about Pure Country and its ilk. But I just used the words "ostensibly" and "ilk," so that makes me feel better.)
Thursday, October 14, 2010
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Sequels are only good if they're pure.
(editing note: I don't know why the spaces between each paragraph are so cray cray. Deal with it.)
Today was a nice day outside. Which makes it annoying when you're inside somewhere for a long time (like, say, Borders on your lunch break because although McDonald's has WiFi and cheap food, it's also full of CRAZIES or OBNOXIOUS ADOLESCENTS that make me want to throw things) and the AC is freezing, but the outside weather isn't really hot enough to justify such chilly indoor conditions, and then I got in my car (verb tense change!) and it was like a cozy blanket (or a SNUGGIE!), so I turned off the AC and basked in my sauna... until it turned into an actual sauna (I mean, not ACTUAL because my company car is not a transformer, although that would make my job 5000 times more awesome) and I got too sweaty. I think this weird weather might have messed up my tires too, but that might just be my driving because I like to get in high speed chases with Steve McQueen. Wait - I mean Steve R. McQueen. Yeah, not the cool one; obviously, because OG McQueen is dead. No, I'm talking about his grandson, who was in Piranha 3D, and if I was to blame one person for ruining that movie... well, it would probably be the producer who thought the audience wanted to CARE about any of those characters. Clearly, the audience just wanted to see Jerry O'Connell be a jackass, Adam Scott be a badass, and piranhas eating asses. But also, I'd blame the awfulness of that movie on Steve R. McQueen, which would bring it back to the producer, because he probably cast that stupid little douchebottle.
How did I get here? This is not what I wanted to talk about today. What did I want to talk about? OH RIGHT. Pure Country 2.
So I saw something about this the other day (which, by the way, is called Pure Country 2: The Gift [HOLY SHIT that title is the best, although mostly because it makes me think of that movie The Gift being mixed with Pure Country, and I'm sure that's not what's happening here]), but I didn't think anything of it. And then today, I heard approximately 50 commercials for it on the radio. Yes, I still listen to the radio. DEAL WITH IT.
So... this commercial was... AMAZING. I couldn't find the exact trailer, but this one's close (and just as long:) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vu7_B2tzKHo. Magical black lady? Check. ASIAN COUNTRY BAND?!?! ... Check. Which, also, that part wasn't on the radio commercial, so that part made watching the trailer totally worth it.
Dude. Seriously. Who was clamoring for this movie? Who the HELL was clamoring for the first Pure Country? I don't even think George Strait fans were thinking, "Man, you know what would make George Strait more awesome? If he did a movie in which his acting could be unfavorably compared to a brick wall." Except George Strait fans might have thought that more... country-esque. Or something. I don't know, I don't listen to country. Maybe instead of "brick wall," they'd say "bale of hay" or something.
STOP HASSLIN' ME. (Hey, that sounds country!) I'm getting off topic again.
Okay, so here's the synopsis for Pure Country 2: "Three angels bestow the gift of song to a young girl, who must follow a series of rules in order hold on to it during her rise to fame and fortune." Well... there's the gift part, I guess. And WHERE IS THAT ANGEL SHIT IN THE PREVIEW?!?! Three angels circling around some country Asians and a magical black lady? Every pothead would go see that movie. Hell, I might even see that movie. Angels. ANGELS. FUCKING ANGELS?!?! Yes, please. Give them to me, along with the rules, and throw in some regulations while you're at it.
And finally, the best part of Pure Country 2. It was co-written and directed by Christopher Cain, who directed the first Pure Country. Who co-wrote it with him? That's right, Dean Cain. Dean "I used to play Superman, but on a TV show, so no one really cares because remember George Reeves? Yeah, no one else did either until Hollywoodland came out and everyone was like, 'Oh, Ben Affleck is so George Reeves' except they don't even KNOW about George Reeves but I do because I know the pain of being a TV Superman OH GOD WHY DOESN'T ANYONE LOVE ME?" Cain.
Apparently, Christopher Cain is his dad. So I'm thinking that one of two things happened...
1) Christopher Cain, in his infinite crazy-man old age wisdom, decided to write a sequel to Pure Country. And Dean Cain, in his infinite non-employment, kept annoying him about getting a job. I imagine it might have been something like this. Dean: "Hey Dad, whatcha doin'?" Christopher: "Well, I -" Dean: "That's cool, I'm just sitting here doing nothing ALL DAY and wondering why if I'm so handsome and likeable, why won't anyone hire me? Hey, are you working on a MOVIE? I wanna do a movie I wanna do a movie I wanna do a movie I wanna do a movie [on so on until Christopher decided to let him help out with the movie]"
2) Christopher Cain got Alzheimer's, and kept talking about Pure Country so much, that Dean Cain decided to help him write a sequel in order to give him some closure. Which was kinda sad and very sweet... but then Christopher saw how plastic surgeryed (surgeried? surgery'd?) George Strait's face was. And he was cured of his Alzheimer's! But they decided to finish the movie anyway, because Dean Cain was secretly sexin' that lead nobody girl. And after it was all over, they started a secret science experiment to see if George Strait's face could cure ALL Alzheimer's.
Either way, that backstory is way better than whatever the actual movie will be. Although after all this Pure Country 2: The Gift (now with more of Katie Holmes's boobs!) talk, I'm thinking about wrangling a group together to go see the movie. We can be loud and obnoxious, just like teenagers that hang out at McDonald's.
And... full circle. BOOM. I would be awesome at writing a movie.
Today was a nice day outside. Which makes it annoying when you're inside somewhere for a long time (like, say, Borders on your lunch break because although McDonald's has WiFi and cheap food, it's also full of CRAZIES or OBNOXIOUS ADOLESCENTS that make me want to throw things) and the AC is freezing, but the outside weather isn't really hot enough to justify such chilly indoor conditions, and then I got in my car (verb tense change!) and it was like a cozy blanket (or a SNUGGIE!), so I turned off the AC and basked in my sauna... until it turned into an actual sauna (I mean, not ACTUAL because my company car is not a transformer, although that would make my job 5000 times more awesome) and I got too sweaty. I think this weird weather might have messed up my tires too, but that might just be my driving because I like to get in high speed chases with Steve McQueen. Wait - I mean Steve R. McQueen. Yeah, not the cool one; obviously, because OG McQueen is dead. No, I'm talking about his grandson, who was in Piranha 3D, and if I was to blame one person for ruining that movie... well, it would probably be the producer who thought the audience wanted to CARE about any of those characters. Clearly, the audience just wanted to see Jerry O'Connell be a jackass, Adam Scott be a badass, and piranhas eating asses. But also, I'd blame the awfulness of that movie on Steve R. McQueen, which would bring it back to the producer, because he probably cast that stupid little douchebottle.
How did I get here? This is not what I wanted to talk about today. What did I want to talk about? OH RIGHT. Pure Country 2.
So I saw something about this the other day (which, by the way, is called Pure Country 2: The Gift [HOLY SHIT that title is the best, although mostly because it makes me think of that movie The Gift being mixed with Pure Country, and I'm sure that's not what's happening here]), but I didn't think anything of it. And then today, I heard approximately 50 commercials for it on the radio. Yes, I still listen to the radio. DEAL WITH IT.
So... this commercial was... AMAZING. I couldn't find the exact trailer, but this one's close (and just as long:) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vu7_B2tzKHo. Magical black lady? Check. ASIAN COUNTRY BAND?!?! ... Check. Which, also, that part wasn't on the radio commercial, so that part made watching the trailer totally worth it.
Dude. Seriously. Who was clamoring for this movie? Who the HELL was clamoring for the first Pure Country? I don't even think George Strait fans were thinking, "Man, you know what would make George Strait more awesome? If he did a movie in which his acting could be unfavorably compared to a brick wall." Except George Strait fans might have thought that more... country-esque. Or something. I don't know, I don't listen to country. Maybe instead of "brick wall," they'd say "bale of hay" or something.
STOP HASSLIN' ME. (Hey, that sounds country!) I'm getting off topic again.
Okay, so here's the synopsis for Pure Country 2: "Three angels bestow the gift of song to a young girl, who must follow a series of rules in order hold on to it during her rise to fame and fortune." Well... there's the gift part, I guess. And WHERE IS THAT ANGEL SHIT IN THE PREVIEW?!?! Three angels circling around some country Asians and a magical black lady? Every pothead would go see that movie. Hell, I might even see that movie. Angels. ANGELS. FUCKING ANGELS?!?! Yes, please. Give them to me, along with the rules, and throw in some regulations while you're at it.
And finally, the best part of Pure Country 2. It was co-written and directed by Christopher Cain, who directed the first Pure Country. Who co-wrote it with him? That's right, Dean Cain. Dean "I used to play Superman, but on a TV show, so no one really cares because remember George Reeves? Yeah, no one else did either until Hollywoodland came out and everyone was like, 'Oh, Ben Affleck is so George Reeves' except they don't even KNOW about George Reeves but I do because I know the pain of being a TV Superman OH GOD WHY DOESN'T ANYONE LOVE ME?" Cain.
Apparently, Christopher Cain is his dad. So I'm thinking that one of two things happened...
1) Christopher Cain, in his infinite crazy-man old age wisdom, decided to write a sequel to Pure Country. And Dean Cain, in his infinite non-employment, kept annoying him about getting a job. I imagine it might have been something like this. Dean: "Hey Dad, whatcha doin'?" Christopher: "Well, I -" Dean: "That's cool, I'm just sitting here doing nothing ALL DAY and wondering why if I'm so handsome and likeable, why won't anyone hire me? Hey, are you working on a MOVIE? I wanna do a movie I wanna do a movie I wanna do a movie I wanna do a movie [on so on until Christopher decided to let him help out with the movie]"
2) Christopher Cain got Alzheimer's, and kept talking about Pure Country so much, that Dean Cain decided to help him write a sequel in order to give him some closure. Which was kinda sad and very sweet... but then Christopher saw how plastic surgeryed (surgeried? surgery'd?) George Strait's face was. And he was cured of his Alzheimer's! But they decided to finish the movie anyway, because Dean Cain was secretly sexin' that lead nobody girl. And after it was all over, they started a secret science experiment to see if George Strait's face could cure ALL Alzheimer's.
Either way, that backstory is way better than whatever the actual movie will be. Although after all this Pure Country 2: The Gift (now with more of Katie Holmes's boobs!) talk, I'm thinking about wrangling a group together to go see the movie. We can be loud and obnoxious, just like teenagers that hang out at McDonald's.
And... full circle. BOOM. I would be awesome at writing a movie.
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