Super Bowl Week #1: NFL Themes

Happy Super Bowl Week, everyone! I thought about creating a separate football blog, so as to keep my non-football friends from hating me. But since this football season will be over in less than a week (and we might not have football next year), I decided to put it here and tell you all to SUCK IT. Don't read it if you don't want to. I don't care. And to make it worse for you, I'll be trying to post a football blogsby every day this week. They will run the gamut of footbally things that interest me.

(Yes, I realize that typing "footbally" makes me seem less football-friendly. At least I don't have a pink jersey that says "Mrs. Romo" on the back or some dumb shit. SO SHUT IT.)

I thought today would be a good day to talk about all the different NFL themes that play on each station. And by this, I mean the ACTUAL themes. Not Hank Williams, Jr. asking you if you're ready for some football, or Faith Hill murdering what little there was to that Joan Jett song. I'm talking about all of the themes used as bumpers into commercials and whatnot. I'll post YouTube videos below to help you know what I'm talking about.

Preface: I realized after finding these videos that these themes are like REAL songs. They go on forever and have weird parts in them that I've never heard. It's incredibly disconcerting. Please, listen all the way through the 2ish minutes of each song. It's worth it. (Or it's not, and I'll waste your time, and again, I'll tell you to SUCK IT.)

... Man, I should really try to be nicer. But then I wouldn't like myself as much.

Monday Night Football Theme

This has been around forever. First, most people know that MNF moved from ABC to ESPN a while back. But this song is, like, an institution. There were commercials a while back (I think when they were trying to advertise that it had moved to ESPN) that had people singing it to themselves at work to get through the "Mondays" or something, because then they could go home and watch MNF! MNF! Bah bah bah bah.... bah bah BAH baaaaaah!!! It established the very important motif of trumpets and drums in NFL themes. Can you imagine if someone tried to create a new NFL theme, and it DIDN'T have trumpets or drums? THERE WOULD BE RIOTS IN THE STREETS. MNF knew what they were doing.

NBC Sunday Night Football Theme

This is the gateway between the other themes and the MNF theme. Still a little old school, all TRUMPETS AND DRUMS, but starting to give a little essence of the synthesizerness that is to come. For me, this is probably the most boring theme. I think they spent all their money on getting a new person to sing some stupid cover song each year, so they threw 50 dollars at some high school tuba player who thinks he's the next John Philip Sousa to write a song that "evokes football." That kid is rich and boring now. Wait, he was boring then. Come on, high school tuba player... YOU PLAY THE TUBA. By definition, you will never be the next John Philip Sousa. Go back to playing "Hang On Sloopy" and keep your weird, nerdy hands out of my football themes.

NFL Network's Thursday Night Football Theme

I'll be honest - I've only watched the NFL Network once, and technically not even then. It was this past Christmas, when the Cowboys game was simulcast on the local CW network. So I have no idea what the actual NFL Network experience is like. However, if it is always covered in Deion Sanders, I think I'll refrain. That dude is an idiot. "Prime Time" is not a thing anymore. Squeezing it into whatever point you're making does not mean that you're saying something that makes sense. In fact, it makes LESS sense, and I have to refrain from punching my TV screen. I can't even stand him on those Pepsi Max commercials. Speaking of, doesn't Rich Eisen look like he wants to kill himself in those? I feel bad for him.

What was I supposed to be talking about? Oh right... the theme. The NFL Network is obviously the baby of the bunch, and this theme really seems like it's trying too hard. I wouldn't be surprised if I found out that they hired the Trans Siberian Orchestra to record them a football theme. I mean, even NBC is embarrassed for them. No one wants to think of heavy Christmas music while they're watching football! Especially not on a Thursday - most of these people have another day of work to slog through, and all they want is to relax to some football and not think about the world, but the NFL Network is playing some song that evokes the darkest aspects of a holiday that ruins football with a bunch of family shit. That's straight-up cold, NFL Network. Give the people their football without a side of depression!

NFL on CBS Theme

Here, we start getting some serious fuckin' POWER CHORDS. This one is like, "Yeah, I know we're on CBS, and most of our audience consists of old people who don't know how to change the channel, but it's FUCKIN' FOOTBALL TIME NOW, BITCHES, SO YOU OLD PEOPLE BETTER HOLD ON TO YOUR FUCKIN' DEPENDS. We're about to BLAST your ASSES with AWESOME DUDES hitting each other IN THE FACE. (Well, not in the face, since we have helmets on, and not even in the helmets now, since we'd have to pay a fine for that, but) WE'RE BADASS MOTHERFUCKERS WHO WILL EXPLODE YOUR DAMN TV SCREEN. BLAMMO!" It's a very shouty theme, is what I'm saying. It also somehow toes the line of trying to scare your grandparents AND still being white enough for the old racist people to keep watching despite all those giant minorities beating up on the poor, smaller white folk.

NFL on FOX Theme

(I know the video pic looks the same as the CBS one, but I swear it's different. If you care. Whatever, JUST CLICK ON IT. [All this intense football music is making me feel 'roidy.]) Whenever I watch a FOX game, I have this theme stuck in my head for the rest of the day. It earworms the shit out of me. I think it's because it takes the best ideas from the other themes, mixes it with "The Final Countdown" by Europe, puts it in a blender with a robot doing the electric slide, and throws it up in the air while saying, "We may have Joe Buck, but we're still MORE HARDCORE than anyone else. Shut up, CBS, because we have YOUNG AND HIP people on our station! We even managed to make that sissy-ass Glee show about football because we are STRONG AS FUCK AND INTENSER THAN MACHO MAN RANDY SAVAGE AND MADE OF ROBOT PARTS ARRRRRRRRRGH"

Seriously. Imagine a movie-type montage: Music starts. 2 teams charging out of their respective tunnels. The coin toss. Getting ready for kickoff... that song build comes in... bah dah dah daaaaaaaaaah... DAH! And kickoff. It's epic. It's part of the reason why I'm looking forward to this year's Super Bowl so much.

Also?  Have you HEARD their injury version of the song? I tried to find a video, but I couldn't. It's all sad guitars and John Mayer faces while the player lies helpless on the field. Now, I don't like when players get injured, but if it's GOING to happen, I'd prefer for it to be on FOX. The injury theme took an epic song and turned it into something meaningful. It's like when Poison went from singing "Talk Dirty to Me" to "Every Rose Has Its Thorn." Yes, "Rose" is fucking OVERplayed all the time now, but in the '80s? Minds. Blown. The FOX injury theme completes my life.


So there you go. I have topic ideas for this week, but if you have something footbally that you want me to write about, let me know. IT'S FUCKIN' SUPER BOWL WEEK. Go wash your panties, because they're about to get soiled.

Yeah, it's late, but I'M NOT DRUNK.

I just can't sleep. I tried cleaning for a while, but I'm lazy, so it didn't work out very well.

I keep yelling at the TV. I don't think that's healthy. Right? Yelling at the TV, when you're not watching something that's worthy to be yelling at, doesn't make sense. I think I have problems. I mean, have you ever watched "Parks and Recreation"? Because it's hard to think of that show as the type of program you'd want to yell at. I'm just sayin'.

Have you read Hyperbole and a Half (http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/)? You should. It's incredibly funny. In fact, I thought twice (and by twice, I mean 1500 times) about mentioning it to the few of you who read this. Because it is RIDICULOUS. Way better than me. And the weirdest thing? I feel like a lot of it is my life.

If you've never read Brittany Willis's blog (yes, I do the "s" after the apostrophe, because that's what I learned in grammar, and I'll stick to it, dammit), it's http://feelingfickle.blogspot.com/ and it has similar characteristics to Hyperbole and a Half. Except... Hyperbole and a Half is actually the perfect marriage of MY LIFE and Brittany's Paint drawings (and some of her life, too... I don't wanna trivialize that). Yes, I realize that Allie Brosh started her blog before I or Brittany did, but it's the fact of the matter. MY LIFE IS BEING USURPED BY THIS WOMAN. I don't trust it. I feel weird. My boyfriend read a post of hers and was convinced that I had written it, except for the Paint drawings.

Uncomfortable is the word of my life, for the record.

So anyway, I read all of Allie's posts in 3 days, and I was embarrassed about it. And I realize I'm dealing with some bloggist blackhole right now by blogging about a blog (at this point, it's actually multiple blogs), but this is my life. DEAL WITH IT. I look for a job all day, which means that I have more free time. Or something. Wait. This actually turned into something that doesn't make sense, because it takes FOR FUCKING EVER to look for jobs all day. I'm just sayin'.

What was I talking about? Oh right, Hyperbole and a Half. In my head, I had an awesome blog post about that blog that would have made Allie Brosh want to want me. But in actuality, that is not happening. She's already famous and making money by writing a FUCKING BLOG, while I have 6 years on her (in age, in case you were wondering... not in blog years; although I may have those as well, but we're not getting into my teenage bloggery) and am sad and soon-to-be homeless. Oh no. Is this turning into a pity party? Sorry... I won't let that happen. Anymore. I hope. Or something.

I'm not sure where this is going, anymore. Even though it's 3am, I'm not drunk, and so somehow this blog is MORE embarrassing than the last because I don't have an excuse to back out on. My Hyperbole and a Half blog post was supposed to be epic, in my head, by the way. I'm disappointed at the way this one went. But I'll deal with it. Maybe. Hopefully. One day.

I'm drunk.

So I thought about making a drunk blog (a la Hyperbole and a Half...more on that later), but now I'm just drunk, and I'm not rating the experience. I'M LIVING IT, BITCHES.

I'm watching Better Off Ted. It got cancelled. You should watch this show, and be sad that it got cancelled. Also, be sad about the fact that it didn't get a proper ending. I mean, "Party Down" got a proper ending, and literally NO ONE watched that show when it was on the air.

My friend didn't die. I drove her to my house, and trusted her to get to her house, despite her drunkeness (and honestly, despite my drunkeness). SHE'S ALIVE! She just texted me. I feel a lot better.

Ooooh, look at me, I'm drunk, surrounded by dogs who love me... WHO HAS THIS?!?!? Yeah, suckas...

This is perhaps the worst idea I've ever had in my life. I'm going to go smoke a cigarette and think about things. (Pssttt.... don't tell certain people in my family that I smoke. It makes them uncomfortable.)

Man, do people like me when I'm drunk. Maybe it's because they're drunk. Drunk people love people. Right?? I mean, how many people have gotten drunk texts that are, "You're awesome" or "I love you" or "I like hanging out with you" or "I'm glad I got that weird dude off of you because we're awesome people" or something like that.

So. I'm watching Better Off Ted. Which you already know. Man, this is way less interesting than I thought it was. Also, a dog is laying her head on my arm. It's already hard enough for me to type... but now it's even harder, with this dog on my arm.

ARM ARM ARM ARM ARM ARM.

I got the dog off my arm. Jabberwocky.

You know what I'm talking about. Right? Right. Right? Right. OH WAIT - The dog is licking my pant leg. Awkward.

This house is dark and ominous. It makes noises that I don't appreciate. When I saw "appreciate," I thought that it didn't look like a real word. But SPELL CHECK said it's a real word. I don't like words anymore.

I saw something that said words like "anymore" or "anything" or "anyhow" or "anyway" don't exist. They're supposed to be separate words. THAT'S BOLOGNA. Or BALONEY, if that's your preference. Also, what is with the word "bologna"? Boo.

Shut up, Tashina.

Okay.

Man, even drunk, I'm obsessed with spelling correctly. And I don't think I've done it properly in all contexts.

Man, texting is WAY more taxing than typing on a computer. Stop texting me, people who are texting me.

I may do a better drunk post one day. But I can't guarantee that. WOAH. I just spelled the word "guarantee" and I'm drunk. SUCK ON THAT, BITCHES. YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAH SUCK ON IT.

What is wrong with me? I'm drunk and I'm so worried about proper spelling that I've stopped worrying about blogging. Wait. WHY should I even worry about blogging? I mean, it's a stupid page that I started to feed my own narcissistic needs and now I'm filled with worry about people reading this or whatever, like anyone gives a shit. I mean 5 people DO gives a shit, but who else? NO ONE. FUCK 'EM.

Behold the power of illumenesence! (I don't think I spelled that right - wait, is "illumenesence" even a word? I don't think it is, so I'm surprised that I'd even question the word in the first place)

I want to drink more Riesling. Thanks, Zaire. OR NO THANKS.

Shut up.

No, YOU shut up.

Drunk blogging is stupid. Happy New Year's! (Is it "New Year's" or "New Years"? Or some other option?)