I'm KINDA drunk.

But only "kinda." Let's see what happens by the end of this blog.

So what is it about my personality that makes me inclined to want to blog when I'm bored and/or drinking? Also, why am I bored when I drink? Something is very wrong with my life. Someone should figure that out.

Did you know that there are still people who hate Twitter? WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE? I mean, I understand that people don't want to LIVE on Twitter (like I do, because I'm lame), but there's nothing inherently wrong with Twitter. It's far more tolerable than Facebook. I do appreciate the fan pages and groups and other shit that's on Facebook, but honestly, it's more for my theatre company than anything else. Otherwise, I just use it to Facebalk people or look at pictures of myself when I was younger and hotter.

Sigh. I wish I was still in my early 20s. FUCK YOU, ALL OF MY FRIENDS WHO ARE IN THEIR EARLY 20S. Seriously, most of my friends right now are in their (now, see, I have a problem with pronouns in this context. YES, I WENT TO COLLEGE AND TOOK ENGLISH CLASSES, SHUT UP. AND NO, I DIDN'T SAY IT THE FIRST TIME BECAUSE I WAS IN CAPS LOCK AND YOU DON'T INTERRUPT CAPS LOCK. I just don't use the "his/her" and "their" pronouns in the right places all the time. I get frustrated when I think about it) early 20s, and I am definitely NOT, so it gets a little frustrating sometimes. I need more people my age. Or closer to my age. Or something. And listen, some of my friends are in their (ARGH "THEIR") early 20s and they are SUPER DUPER (yes, I said "duper") cool, but a lot aren't. And they forget you're [not the same age because BITCHES I AIN'T TELLIN' MY AGE], so you start talking about things and then you want to murder your friend because your friend is a BABY and you don't hang out with babies.

Man, pronouns were all over the place in that last paragraph. Also, I'm pretty sure I lost my thought along the way. Yay tipsy!

I need a job. But it needs to be after I get back from New York. Then... seriously, I need a job. Someone find me a job. If you get me one, I'll pay you back in delicious meals! I'm a really good cook. Promise.

Does anyone watch America's Got Talent? Because you shouldn't. It's stupid. I watch it because I don't have access to cable. There are some legitimately awesome acts on that show, but they will never get anywhere because they went on AMERICA'S GOT TALENT and fucking ruined any good will they might have. Unless a magician wins that competition, it doesn't mean shit. (Well, some ventriloquist guy won once, and he did really well, but that's just because he kind looks like Jeff Dunham, and also mimicked the same routine.)

Ooh, speaking of that parenthesized bit, did anyone see the latest Louie? (I just wrote "Louise" at first, on accident, which would make that show VERY different.) That interaction between C.K. and Dane Cook was fucking amazing. If you haven't watched it, you should. DO IT. Oh, look, I'll attach it for you here: http://warmingglow.uproxx.com/2011/08/the-louis-c-k-dane-cook-scene. Blammo. I'm like the Godfather of links... or something. Like, instead of putting a horse head in your bead, I'll put a link on a blog that you may or may not read. IT'S THE SAME THING. SHUT UP.

This blog is less amusing than I hoped. I'm talking about TV shows again. I need a life that doesn't revolve around TV shows. Someone get me one of those ASAP, please.

OH MY GOD I WANT SOME TORTELLINI. I just saw some on TV. I love making tortellini skewers with mushrooms and Muenster cheese and tomatoes and cucumbers and grilled chicken and shrimp and AH GAH WHY AM I NOT MAKING THEM RIGHT NOW???? Oh right... because it's late, I'm not sober, and I'm too poor to buy all those awesome ingredients.

Time for "ladies only." You know what's lame? When you're peeing, and your pee is SO strong that somehow it bounces off the toilet water and onto your wrist. What the fuck is that? That pee is rude. And then you have to wash your WRIST as well, and if you're in a public bathroom, you get a strange look from other people for washing up so high. Fuck those people, though, because they should understand the wrist pee issue. IT HAPPENS TO ALL OF US.

So Ricky Perry did some prayer bullshit whatnottery this weekend. Fuck that guy. Even if you're the type of person who is super-Christiany and all that (and good for you if you are), I would hope that anyone with COMMON SENSE understands that whatever Ricky Perry was going for was a big bag of bullshit. If I was sober, I'd go on a well-thought diatribe on why I think it was a big bag of bullshit, but as it is... I'll leave it at that. I just hope that "normal" Republicans realize what a fucking joke Rick Perry is.

You guys. Football is coming. I'M EXCITED!! I'm in a fantasy football league this year, and I'm scared shitless. It should be exciting, though. I'll probably write football blogs, because that's what I do. And then my friend Brittany will be annoyed at them because she won't understand.

I wish I had a million dollars.
I wish I lived in Chicago.
I wish my eyeballs weren't angry.
I wish my underarms didn't sweat so much.
I wish my hair was longer.
I wish I didn't have to dye my hair.
I wish I was krumping RIGHT FUCKIN' NOW, BITCHES.
I wish that my bones wouldn't feel like they don't exist when I'm drinking. Because sometimes, I'm like, trying to pick up my drink or whatever, and my wrist is like, "Whatever, bitch, I DO WHAT I WANT," and it does what it wants. So then I knock over my drink, which is weird and embarrassing. Speaking of weird, don't you think it's weird that the word "embarrassing" has two "R"s and two "S"s? I HATE IT. Worst double/double ever created in the WORLD. No joke. I took a poll, and everyone in the world agreed. Oh, did you not agree? That's because YOU'RE NOT A PERSON SO STOP READING MY BLOG YOU ROBOT ASSHOLE.
I wish I would end this blog.

Apologies for it not being as ridiculous as the other blog. This is what happens when I'm not fully drunk... also, when I'm not surrounded by adorable dogs. WHY DIDN'T I PUT THAT ON MY WISH LIST?!?! I wish I was surrounded by adorable dogs.