Things that I'm over...

I feel like I should change that title. It's grammatically weird, and I feel like I could be wittier. If, by the end of this post, I change it, I'll come back up here with an "EDIT" in brackets that explains what it used to be, and why I changed it to what it is. Because everyone is clammoring (clamoring? I see that spell check says that's right, and I also realize that I could go back and fix my spelling error, but "clammoring" looks like some kind of AWFUL yet AWESOME sexual act, like a vagina ATTACKING YOUR FUCKING FACE, so I'll keep it) to know my innermost thoughts. If you disagree, then I'm not quite sure why you're reading my blogsby.

Anyway, this post is, in a way, dedicated to Charlie Sheen. (Man, imagine that I still have this blogsby in 20 years [do you think we'll even HAVE computers like these in 20 years? I bet no matter what we have, EVERY SINGLE FUCKING PERSON will have a blog - sorry, I mean a blogsby, and if I have my way, ALL YOU BITCHES will be calling them blogsbies], and I see the sentence I just wrote [at the beginning of this paragraph, if you were wondering], and I have no recollection of why Charlie Sheen was so big in early 2011. That would be awesome. But if there's one thing my brain retains, it's useless pop culture trivia. I'd bet money that I could be 70 years old, and be able to recall Charlie Sheen's tiger-blooded idiocy. Sigh. Sometimes, I am not proud of myself. [Also? Most of this blogsby, at this point, has been in parentheses or brackets. This does not bode well. {OR DOES IT BODE AWESOME?!}])

(And now I have to start a new paragraph because that got so out of hand.) Everyone seems to be falling into one of these camps: 1) they think Charlie Sheen is awesome, although obviously screwed up, and are amused by what he says, 2) they think Charlie Sheen is obnoxious, and obviously screwed up, and want him put away somewhere so they don't have to listen to it anymore. Somehow, I fall into both categories. I don't want to explain it. I'm a dichotomy (wrapped in an enigma and covered in a blahblahblah I'M SO FUCKING WITTY). The point is, all of this Sheeniness (OH GOD that word bothers me to no end, because my family used to call me Shina [WHY AM I TELLING YOU THIS I SHOULD JUST GO TO BED BUT I'M SUPPOSED TO BE WORKING ON THINGS AND MY BRAIN IS BEING FULL OF CRAZY {but not Sheen crazy} SO I HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAD TO WRITE A FUCKING BLOGSBY] but everyone would spell it Sheena, and now I just though of myself being Charlie Sheen and I think I'm having a brain aneuryism) made me think about all of the "things" that I'm over. Which, as of now, are really two things. But I'm sure I'll think of more as I write. Because, as you can tell, I'm clearly of sound mind right now. Can't is the cancer of happen, and all that.

Anyway. Here we go.

Covers of "Creep" by Radiohead. This might lose me friends... but I can't help it. I mean, I've heard great covers of that song. And I feel like I could easily argue that I'd rather people cover THAT song well than any other Radiohead song badly. But... it's not true. If you're a good musician (and those of you out there who know me, and who cover "Creep," fall into that category), then I'd hope you know more Radiohead songs. Because they have some that would be AWESOME to cover. I mean, I'll take a fucking cover of "High and Dry" at this point. QUIT PLAYING "CREEP." Please. Go find a way to make an acoustic version of a song off Kid A. Seriously - I dare you. I can think of two songs on that album right now that could rock that shit. Let's change it up, folks. (For the record, Brittany - I feel as though you will take this personally. It's not personal. Your version is awesome. But I've heard, literally, 5 other people cover that fucking song since you have. So now, even your version is tainted for me. Blame all of the other people for ruining your pretty, pretty cover.)

Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip. Oh look! Another that might lose me friends. And I'll start it in a similar way - I mean, I like the show. But it's not THAT fucking great. I've never really gotten the intense, ass-devouring love of Aaron Sorkin. (Robert Evans time - if you don't know what that means, look it up. I'm took lazy to link things.) Did I enjoy The Social Network? Yes. Was Sports Night the shit? OF COURSE. Did The West Wing make me think about important things, while also making me tired at the same time? You betcha. I'm just saying, I think he's a great writer, but I also think he's a bit of a self-important ass... which doesn't make him all that different from other Hollywoodies (pretty sure I didn't make up that term, but it sounds stupid enough to be mine), but I don't like those people's writing either. Correction: I actually DO like Sorkin's writing (obviously; see above), I just don't see what all the hoopla is all about. (Sidenote: "hoopla" was used in a Wheel of Fortune puzzle today, and I decided that I wanted to use it more in every day life. Also, I need to stop it with the sidenotes. However, does it make it better when I actually ALERT you to the fact that it's a sidenote? And YES, I know I should write it "side note," but I like to think of it as one word in my head, so one word it will be. And ALSO YES, I watch Wheel of Fortune because IT'S FUCKING AWESOME. I also watch Jeopardy twice a day, so my mind is like a steel trap. Or a sad mid-40s housewife.)

SIGH. Tashina... stay on track.

The point is, with Studio 60, so many people seem to blame 30 Rock for its demise. Let's be clear: 30 Rock's ratings weren't GREAT either, but they were higher than Studio 60. Or, at least they stayed steady, while Studio 60's rapidly declined (until the very end, when they rose up incrementally). My biggest problem with Studio 60 lies (lied? I mean, I feel like present tense is fine because you can still watch the show on DVD) with the sketches they presented on the show within a show. They just... aren't that funny. That Gilbert & Sullivan thing was mildly amusing to me, because I know who the fuck G&S are. (See? I abbreviated it, that's how you know I know who they are.) But even so, I wondered how many people would actually get it. And let's be clear, I LOVE being able to watch shows and understand things that no one else gets. (This usually happens because I Google it, and pretend like I already knew it. I am a fraud. But I know things! Kinda!) This is the mark of being a pretentious asshole, which I enjoy being. But that ONE sketch is just the tip of the iceberg. The reason 30 Rock sketches work is that they show so little of them. You get just enough to know if it's ridiculous, or dumb, or whatever the writers want you to think of that sketch. But with Studio 60, it's an entire show based on two brilliant writers who are too good for people to understand, and they come back to save their old show, and everything is supposed to be genius. But it's not, and it's never admitted that it's not. (I mean, fine, they did sometimes, but they often put up a lot of shitty sketches that they thought were awesome.) While I don't think that's why the show got canned, that's certainly why I don't LOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE it. I like it. I'll probably own it on DVD one day. But I'll probably be fast-forwarding past a lot of those sketches when/if I watch it again.

And these are my two things that I'm over. I guess I didn't come up with a better blogsby title. Although I'm tempted to put a moratorium on the word "blogsby" because I'd bet that it's something a lot of OTHER people are over.

Oh, hey! Aaron Sorkin used to do crack. Charlie Sheen is clearly on some form of crack-like substance (even if that substance is "his brain"). We have come full circle.

(Also, I know that prepositions aren't supposed to be on the ends of sentences, but the English language has given up on the internet, so I'm giving up on the English language. DEALWITHIT. No spaces, motherfuckers.)

Super Bowl Week #1: NFL Themes

Happy Super Bowl Week, everyone! I thought about creating a separate football blog, so as to keep my non-football friends from hating me. But since this football season will be over in less than a week (and we might not have football next year), I decided to put it here and tell you all to SUCK IT. Don't read it if you don't want to. I don't care. And to make it worse for you, I'll be trying to post a football blogsby every day this week. They will run the gamut of footbally things that interest me.

(Yes, I realize that typing "footbally" makes me seem less football-friendly. At least I don't have a pink jersey that says "Mrs. Romo" on the back or some dumb shit. SO SHUT IT.)

I thought today would be a good day to talk about all the different NFL themes that play on each station. And by this, I mean the ACTUAL themes. Not Hank Williams, Jr. asking you if you're ready for some football, or Faith Hill murdering what little there was to that Joan Jett song. I'm talking about all of the themes used as bumpers into commercials and whatnot. I'll post YouTube videos below to help you know what I'm talking about.

Preface: I realized after finding these videos that these themes are like REAL songs. They go on forever and have weird parts in them that I've never heard. It's incredibly disconcerting. Please, listen all the way through the 2ish minutes of each song. It's worth it. (Or it's not, and I'll waste your time, and again, I'll tell you to SUCK IT.)

... Man, I should really try to be nicer. But then I wouldn't like myself as much.

Monday Night Football Theme

This has been around forever. First, most people know that MNF moved from ABC to ESPN a while back. But this song is, like, an institution. There were commercials a while back (I think when they were trying to advertise that it had moved to ESPN) that had people singing it to themselves at work to get through the "Mondays" or something, because then they could go home and watch MNF! MNF! Bah bah bah bah.... bah bah BAH baaaaaah!!! It established the very important motif of trumpets and drums in NFL themes. Can you imagine if someone tried to create a new NFL theme, and it DIDN'T have trumpets or drums? THERE WOULD BE RIOTS IN THE STREETS. MNF knew what they were doing.

NBC Sunday Night Football Theme

This is the gateway between the other themes and the MNF theme. Still a little old school, all TRUMPETS AND DRUMS, but starting to give a little essence of the synthesizerness that is to come. For me, this is probably the most boring theme. I think they spent all their money on getting a new person to sing some stupid cover song each year, so they threw 50 dollars at some high school tuba player who thinks he's the next John Philip Sousa to write a song that "evokes football." That kid is rich and boring now. Wait, he was boring then. Come on, high school tuba player... YOU PLAY THE TUBA. By definition, you will never be the next John Philip Sousa. Go back to playing "Hang On Sloopy" and keep your weird, nerdy hands out of my football themes.

NFL Network's Thursday Night Football Theme

I'll be honest - I've only watched the NFL Network once, and technically not even then. It was this past Christmas, when the Cowboys game was simulcast on the local CW network. So I have no idea what the actual NFL Network experience is like. However, if it is always covered in Deion Sanders, I think I'll refrain. That dude is an idiot. "Prime Time" is not a thing anymore. Squeezing it into whatever point you're making does not mean that you're saying something that makes sense. In fact, it makes LESS sense, and I have to refrain from punching my TV screen. I can't even stand him on those Pepsi Max commercials. Speaking of, doesn't Rich Eisen look like he wants to kill himself in those? I feel bad for him.

What was I supposed to be talking about? Oh right... the theme. The NFL Network is obviously the baby of the bunch, and this theme really seems like it's trying too hard. I wouldn't be surprised if I found out that they hired the Trans Siberian Orchestra to record them a football theme. I mean, even NBC is embarrassed for them. No one wants to think of heavy Christmas music while they're watching football! Especially not on a Thursday - most of these people have another day of work to slog through, and all they want is to relax to some football and not think about the world, but the NFL Network is playing some song that evokes the darkest aspects of a holiday that ruins football with a bunch of family shit. That's straight-up cold, NFL Network. Give the people their football without a side of depression!

NFL on CBS Theme

Here, we start getting some serious fuckin' POWER CHORDS. This one is like, "Yeah, I know we're on CBS, and most of our audience consists of old people who don't know how to change the channel, but it's FUCKIN' FOOTBALL TIME NOW, BITCHES, SO YOU OLD PEOPLE BETTER HOLD ON TO YOUR FUCKIN' DEPENDS. We're about to BLAST your ASSES with AWESOME DUDES hitting each other IN THE FACE. (Well, not in the face, since we have helmets on, and not even in the helmets now, since we'd have to pay a fine for that, but) WE'RE BADASS MOTHERFUCKERS WHO WILL EXPLODE YOUR DAMN TV SCREEN. BLAMMO!" It's a very shouty theme, is what I'm saying. It also somehow toes the line of trying to scare your grandparents AND still being white enough for the old racist people to keep watching despite all those giant minorities beating up on the poor, smaller white folk.

NFL on FOX Theme

(I know the video pic looks the same as the CBS one, but I swear it's different. If you care. Whatever, JUST CLICK ON IT. [All this intense football music is making me feel 'roidy.]) Whenever I watch a FOX game, I have this theme stuck in my head for the rest of the day. It earworms the shit out of me. I think it's because it takes the best ideas from the other themes, mixes it with "The Final Countdown" by Europe, puts it in a blender with a robot doing the electric slide, and throws it up in the air while saying, "We may have Joe Buck, but we're still MORE HARDCORE than anyone else. Shut up, CBS, because we have YOUNG AND HIP people on our station! We even managed to make that sissy-ass Glee show about football because we are STRONG AS FUCK AND INTENSER THAN MACHO MAN RANDY SAVAGE AND MADE OF ROBOT PARTS ARRRRRRRRRGH"

Seriously. Imagine a movie-type montage: Music starts. 2 teams charging out of their respective tunnels. The coin toss. Getting ready for kickoff... that song build comes in... bah dah dah daaaaaaaaaah... DAH! And kickoff. It's epic. It's part of the reason why I'm looking forward to this year's Super Bowl so much.

Also?  Have you HEARD their injury version of the song? I tried to find a video, but I couldn't. It's all sad guitars and John Mayer faces while the player lies helpless on the field. Now, I don't like when players get injured, but if it's GOING to happen, I'd prefer for it to be on FOX. The injury theme took an epic song and turned it into something meaningful. It's like when Poison went from singing "Talk Dirty to Me" to "Every Rose Has Its Thorn." Yes, "Rose" is fucking OVERplayed all the time now, but in the '80s? Minds. Blown. The FOX injury theme completes my life.


So there you go. I have topic ideas for this week, but if you have something footbally that you want me to write about, let me know. IT'S FUCKIN' SUPER BOWL WEEK. Go wash your panties, because they're about to get soiled.