I have a Whitney Houston song in my head (see above). This cannot be good. Don't you find it odd that "can" and "not" are separate words, but "cannot" is allowed together? Also, homonyms are weird... like "allowed" and "aloud." Remember that movie with Holly Hunter, Queen Latifah, and Danny Devito? Living Out Loud? I never saw it, but it looked mediocre. That is one random-ass cast, though.
Listen, all you Twitter people (that saw my drinking tweets) who may be reading this: I AM NOT DRUNK. I may be drinking, but I am not drunk. I am bored, and thus amusing myself by writing inane shit. I SHOULD be working on important shit, but it's late, and I don't want to worry about that. SO THERE. CAPS LOCK. Anyway, I read something earlier today about how people should never say "I'm bored" because the world is so beautiful and full of things to do and we should all come together and hold hands and say kumbaya or whatever the fuck. That is stupid. People get bored. Yes, our lives are short, and we should live each moment to the fullest, but I prefer to just be BORED sometimes and entertain myself (by blogging). Or complain about it (by blogging). Or annoy a friend until he/she decides to hang out with me (this option rarely involves blogging). This is LIFE. You can tell people to "grab the bull by the horns" or some shit for your entire life, and there will still be people complaining about being bored. Gah, I hate upbeat people.
You guys. I love Cold Case. And it is a TERRIBLE show that rightly got cancelled a season or two ago. But I watch it a lot in reruns, and I can't get enough. Like, there is a lot of shitty TV on late at night, and I usually pay no attention to it because I'm fucking around on the internet, but I watch Cold Case every damn time. IT'S SO BAD. AND CHEESY. AND BAD. The whole premise is about old cases that never closed (hence the term "cold," and if you don't know that, you've never seen a crime procedural in your life, and I don't know if we can be friends), so there are these flashbacks to the events leading up to the crime, and they use the most OBVIOUS (but usually meticulously time-appropriate) music ever to set up each flashback. And THEN each show ends with a montage, using a flashback-appropriate song. They've done a lot of different time periods, but my favorite are the '80s episodes, of course. because there are so few legitimately sincere songs from that period. Once, they ended an episode with a montage set to "Can't Fight This Feeling" by REO Speedwagon (man, I just Googled that, to make sure I had the band right, and I DID, and I felt sad about knowing who sings "Can't Fight This Feeling")... and I mean, HAVE YOU HEARD THAT SONG? In this day and age (what am I, 70?), you can't sincerely set a montage to that song. Yeesh. The point is, you should all be watching this show, and we should make a drinking game out of it.
So I had a birthday recently. I turned... an age that's fairly significant. Some people know exactly how old I am, but I'm refusing to say from now on. I have friends (even some who are close to my age) who think I'm being stupid for not talking about it, but I don't care. I have my own feelings about my age, and I'm allowed to have them, and no one can change my mind about those feelings. The fact is, there is a stigma placed on women (particularly those involved in the performing arts), especially in regards to age, so I'd just prefer to avoid that stigma until I'm forced to reckon with it. Given the fact that I look younger than I am, I figure I have at least 7 years before I have to do that. However... I should stop using words like "reckon" if I want to sound younger, AND not like a country bumpkin. (Aw, "bumpkin," another word that I probably shouldn't use. I'm old and adorable. Oldorable... ew. That kind of sounds like someone who is old and smelly.)
It doesn't help that I'm currently jobless, homeless, and without a checking account (I guess the last thing probably makes sense, considering the first two things). On top of that, nearly all of my friends that I've had since I was in my late teens/early twenties are married and/or having babies. None of my mind can wrap itself around that. Hell, I'm not sure I WANT to get married, and I'm almost positive I don't want to have babies. So it's not so much that I feel like I have to keep up, as much as I feel like I'm supposed to be wanting certain things in my life that I just... don't. Right now, I don't actually feel bad about those things, but that just might be the white trash Sangria talking.
GOD. This got weirdly depressing.
WHAT THE FUCK?! WHY ARE THEY MAKING A FINAL DESTINATION 5?!?!?! And why have I not seen a commercial for it before now? (Wait, why am I upset at not having seen a commercial? THIS is the problem with watching too much TV. Well, this, and the fact that I watch too much TV. That's a problem within itself. This is getting awfully existential.... about TV.) I hate people. WE are the reason these terrible fucking movies get made. Do you REALLY feel the need to watch horror movies in the theater? Are the scares that much scarier on the big screen? STOP FEEDING THESE MOVIE SHITSTORMS. Sigh. Okay, but really, I just hate horror movies with a passion, because they scare the ever-loving shit out of me. I cannot handle the big-jump scares OR the gore. In other words, I'm a big scaredy-cat. Also, Tony Todd is fucking cool (he's in Final Destination 5, if you didn't know, AND YOU SHOULDN'T), and I wish some Tarantino-esque director would get him out of the horror movie slums and put him in something awesome.
I feel sweaty.
Showing posts with label over it. Show all posts
Showing posts with label over it. Show all posts
Sunday, July 24, 2011
Saturday, March 19, 2011
Don't be a Secret Bitch.
I'm increasingly getting annoyed at a certain type of person. I've encountered many of them of my life, as I'm sure other people have as well. (Man, is that ever a Peter King sentence.) The type of person I'm talking about is the Secret Bitch. Now, before I continue, I will state that the same things I'm about to say also apply to certain men. Some may call those people Secret Assholes, but I don't believe in gender discrimination in my curse words, so they're all Secret Bitches to me.
So now, I will draft an open letter to Secret Bitches:
Hey, Secret Bitch. How's it going? Secretly bitchily (woah, double adverb), I'd guess. Here's the thing: I am a bitch. Hell... I am a Bitch. So what's the difference between you and me? I'm open and honest about being a bitch. I understand that my bitchiness prevents certain people from liking me. Some perceive my bitchiness as a character flaw. I'm fine with that. I enjoy being a Bitch, although I'm also aware of when I step over the line. (Doesn't mean I take my "over the line" action back, but... that's a blogsby for another day.)
You, however, are the exact description of my title: Secret Bitch. You have an uncanny ability to be really nice and considerate at first, and often seem like you're a good listener. But once you're "in" with people, the real you comes out. Conversations cannot last 3 minutes without you interrupting to make the focus come back to you. Slowly, but surely, the people with whom you've entrenched yourself are too far in to do anything about it. We just have to sit there while you constantly commandeer the conversation into whatever boring story you want to tell.
I mean... we thought you were cool! Even out-and-out bitches (like myself) are cool sometimes. But you... you go from being cool for the first month or two to being consistently LAME and SELFISH and SECRETLY BITCHY. For shame, Secret Bitch. For shame.
Here's my point (do I have one? I don't even know anymore, honestly, but this is a letter, so I suppose I should act like I do): No matter what kind of bitch (or Bitch) you are, you should always be aware that no one wants to hear you talk all the time. No one thinks you're cool all the time. No one thinks you're right all the time. No one wants to hear you talk about how cool and/or right you are all the time. Except you. And if that's the case, then maybe you should just stay in your apartment and talk to yourself.
Clearly, you have the ability to understand sharing in conversations (see: the first month or two of meeting someone). WHY is it, after you know someone, that you think those basic skills of communication can be eliminated? YOU HAVE TO SHARE. Even if you think someone else's conversation is super boring, ALLOW for them to finish their story. Then you can go on and on about some lame thing no one ELSE cares about. This is the "magic" of being social - no one wants to hear anyone else's story, and each person wants to tell his/her story. Live with that, and learn how to share the limelight.
Otherwise, my out-and-out bitchiness will erupt in an inappropriate way, and it'll make everyone feel uncomfortable. Except for me, of course, because I DON'T GIVE A SHIT.
So now, I will draft an open letter to Secret Bitches:
Hey, Secret Bitch. How's it going? Secretly bitchily (woah, double adverb), I'd guess. Here's the thing: I am a bitch. Hell... I am a Bitch. So what's the difference between you and me? I'm open and honest about being a bitch. I understand that my bitchiness prevents certain people from liking me. Some perceive my bitchiness as a character flaw. I'm fine with that. I enjoy being a Bitch, although I'm also aware of when I step over the line. (Doesn't mean I take my "over the line" action back, but... that's a blogsby for another day.)
You, however, are the exact description of my title: Secret Bitch. You have an uncanny ability to be really nice and considerate at first, and often seem like you're a good listener. But once you're "in" with people, the real you comes out. Conversations cannot last 3 minutes without you interrupting to make the focus come back to you. Slowly, but surely, the people with whom you've entrenched yourself are too far in to do anything about it. We just have to sit there while you constantly commandeer the conversation into whatever boring story you want to tell.
I mean... we thought you were cool! Even out-and-out bitches (like myself) are cool sometimes. But you... you go from being cool for the first month or two to being consistently LAME and SELFISH and SECRETLY BITCHY. For shame, Secret Bitch. For shame.
Here's my point (do I have one? I don't even know anymore, honestly, but this is a letter, so I suppose I should act like I do): No matter what kind of bitch (or Bitch) you are, you should always be aware that no one wants to hear you talk all the time. No one thinks you're cool all the time. No one thinks you're right all the time. No one wants to hear you talk about how cool and/or right you are all the time. Except you. And if that's the case, then maybe you should just stay in your apartment and talk to yourself.
Clearly, you have the ability to understand sharing in conversations (see: the first month or two of meeting someone). WHY is it, after you know someone, that you think those basic skills of communication can be eliminated? YOU HAVE TO SHARE. Even if you think someone else's conversation is super boring, ALLOW for them to finish their story. Then you can go on and on about some lame thing no one ELSE cares about. This is the "magic" of being social - no one wants to hear anyone else's story, and each person wants to tell his/her story. Live with that, and learn how to share the limelight.
Otherwise, my out-and-out bitchiness will erupt in an inappropriate way, and it'll make everyone feel uncomfortable. Except for me, of course, because I DON'T GIVE A SHIT.
Thursday, March 3, 2011
Things that I'm over...
I feel like I should change that title. It's grammatically weird, and I feel like I could be wittier. If, by the end of this post, I change it, I'll come back up here with an "EDIT" in brackets that explains what it used to be, and why I changed it to what it is. Because everyone is clammoring (clamoring? I see that spell check says that's right, and I also realize that I could go back and fix my spelling error, but "clammoring" looks like some kind of AWFUL yet AWESOME sexual act, like a vagina ATTACKING YOUR FUCKING FACE, so I'll keep it) to know my innermost thoughts. If you disagree, then I'm not quite sure why you're reading my blogsby.
Anyway, this post is, in a way, dedicated to Charlie Sheen. (Man, imagine that I still have this blogsby in 20 years [do you think we'll even HAVE computers like these in 20 years? I bet no matter what we have, EVERY SINGLE FUCKING PERSON will have a blog - sorry, I mean a blogsby, and if I have my way, ALL YOU BITCHES will be calling them blogsbies], and I see the sentence I just wrote [at the beginning of this paragraph, if you were wondering], and I have no recollection of why Charlie Sheen was so big in early 2011. That would be awesome. But if there's one thing my brain retains, it's useless pop culture trivia. I'd bet money that I could be 70 years old, and be able to recall Charlie Sheen's tiger-blooded idiocy. Sigh. Sometimes, I am not proud of myself. [Also? Most of this blogsby, at this point, has been in parentheses or brackets. This does not bode well. {OR DOES IT BODE AWESOME?!}])
(And now I have to start a new paragraph because that got so out of hand.) Everyone seems to be falling into one of these camps: 1) they think Charlie Sheen is awesome, although obviously screwed up, and are amused by what he says, 2) they think Charlie Sheen is obnoxious, and obviously screwed up, and want him put away somewhere so they don't have to listen to it anymore. Somehow, I fall into both categories. I don't want to explain it. I'm a dichotomy (wrapped in an enigma and covered in a blahblahblah I'M SO FUCKING WITTY). The point is, all of this Sheeniness (OH GOD that word bothers me to no end, because my family used to call me Shina [WHY AM I TELLING YOU THIS I SHOULD JUST GO TO BED BUT I'M SUPPOSED TO BE WORKING ON THINGS AND MY BRAIN IS BEING FULL OF CRAZY {but not Sheen crazy} SO I HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAD TO WRITE A FUCKING BLOGSBY] but everyone would spell it Sheena, and now I just though of myself being Charlie Sheen and I think I'm having a brain aneuryism) made me think about all of the "things" that I'm over. Which, as of now, are really two things. But I'm sure I'll think of more as I write. Because, as you can tell, I'm clearly of sound mind right now. Can't is the cancer of happen, and all that.
Anyway. Here we go.
Covers of "Creep" by Radiohead. This might lose me friends... but I can't help it. I mean, I've heard great covers of that song. And I feel like I could easily argue that I'd rather people cover THAT song well than any other Radiohead song badly. But... it's not true. If you're a good musician (and those of you out there who know me, and who cover "Creep," fall into that category), then I'd hope you know more Radiohead songs. Because they have some that would be AWESOME to cover. I mean, I'll take a fucking cover of "High and Dry" at this point. QUIT PLAYING "CREEP." Please. Go find a way to make an acoustic version of a song off Kid A. Seriously - I dare you. I can think of two songs on that album right now that could rock that shit. Let's change it up, folks. (For the record, Brittany - I feel as though you will take this personally. It's not personal. Your version is awesome. But I've heard, literally, 5 other people cover that fucking song since you have. So now, even your version is tainted for me. Blame all of the other people for ruining your pretty, pretty cover.)
Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip. Oh look! Another that might lose me friends. And I'll start it in a similar way - I mean, I like the show. But it's not THAT fucking great. I've never really gotten the intense, ass-devouring love of Aaron Sorkin. (Robert Evans time - if you don't know what that means, look it up. I'm took lazy to link things.) Did I enjoy The Social Network? Yes. Was Sports Night the shit? OF COURSE. Did The West Wing make me think about important things, while also making me tired at the same time? You betcha. I'm just saying, I think he's a great writer, but I also think he's a bit of a self-important ass... which doesn't make him all that different from other Hollywoodies (pretty sure I didn't make up that term, but it sounds stupid enough to be mine), but I don't like those people's writing either. Correction: I actually DO like Sorkin's writing (obviously; see above), I just don't see what all the hoopla is all about. (Sidenote: "hoopla" was used in a Wheel of Fortune puzzle today, and I decided that I wanted to use it more in every day life. Also, I need to stop it with the sidenotes. However, does it make it better when I actually ALERT you to the fact that it's a sidenote? And YES, I know I should write it "side note," but I like to think of it as one word in my head, so one word it will be. And ALSO YES, I watch Wheel of Fortune because IT'S FUCKING AWESOME. I also watch Jeopardy twice a day, so my mind is like a steel trap. Or a sad mid-40s housewife.)
SIGH. Tashina... stay on track.
The point is, with Studio 60, so many people seem to blame 30 Rock for its demise. Let's be clear: 30 Rock's ratings weren't GREAT either, but they were higher than Studio 60. Or, at least they stayed steady, while Studio 60's rapidly declined (until the very end, when they rose up incrementally). My biggest problem with Studio 60 lies (lied? I mean, I feel like present tense is fine because you can still watch the show on DVD) with the sketches they presented on the show within a show. They just... aren't that funny. That Gilbert & Sullivan thing was mildly amusing to me, because I know who the fuck G&S are. (See? I abbreviated it, that's how you know I know who they are.) But even so, I wondered how many people would actually get it. And let's be clear, I LOVE being able to watch shows and understand things that no one else gets. (This usually happens because I Google it, and pretend like I already knew it. I am a fraud. But I know things! Kinda!) This is the mark of being a pretentious asshole, which I enjoy being. But that ONE sketch is just the tip of the iceberg. The reason 30 Rock sketches work is that they show so little of them. You get just enough to know if it's ridiculous, or dumb, or whatever the writers want you to think of that sketch. But with Studio 60, it's an entire show based on two brilliant writers who are too good for people to understand, and they come back to save their old show, and everything is supposed to be genius. But it's not, and it's never admitted that it's not. (I mean, fine, they did sometimes, but they often put up a lot of shitty sketches that they thought were awesome.) While I don't think that's why the show got canned, that's certainly why I don't LOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE it. I like it. I'll probably own it on DVD one day. But I'll probably be fast-forwarding past a lot of those sketches when/if I watch it again.
And these are my two things that I'm over. I guess I didn't come up with a better blogsby title. Although I'm tempted to put a moratorium on the word "blogsby" because I'd bet that it's something a lot of OTHER people are over.
Oh, hey! Aaron Sorkin used to do crack. Charlie Sheen is clearly on some form of crack-like substance (even if that substance is "his brain"). We have come full circle.
(Also, I know that prepositions aren't supposed to be on the ends of sentences, but the English language has given up on the internet, so I'm giving up on the English language. DEALWITHIT. No spaces, motherfuckers.)
Anyway, this post is, in a way, dedicated to Charlie Sheen. (Man, imagine that I still have this blogsby in 20 years [do you think we'll even HAVE computers like these in 20 years? I bet no matter what we have, EVERY SINGLE FUCKING PERSON will have a blog - sorry, I mean a blogsby, and if I have my way, ALL YOU BITCHES will be calling them blogsbies], and I see the sentence I just wrote [at the beginning of this paragraph, if you were wondering], and I have no recollection of why Charlie Sheen was so big in early 2011. That would be awesome. But if there's one thing my brain retains, it's useless pop culture trivia. I'd bet money that I could be 70 years old, and be able to recall Charlie Sheen's tiger-blooded idiocy. Sigh. Sometimes, I am not proud of myself. [Also? Most of this blogsby, at this point, has been in parentheses or brackets. This does not bode well. {OR DOES IT BODE AWESOME?!}])
(And now I have to start a new paragraph because that got so out of hand.) Everyone seems to be falling into one of these camps: 1) they think Charlie Sheen is awesome, although obviously screwed up, and are amused by what he says, 2) they think Charlie Sheen is obnoxious, and obviously screwed up, and want him put away somewhere so they don't have to listen to it anymore. Somehow, I fall into both categories. I don't want to explain it. I'm a dichotomy (wrapped in an enigma and covered in a blahblahblah I'M SO FUCKING WITTY). The point is, all of this Sheeniness (OH GOD that word bothers me to no end, because my family used to call me Shina [WHY AM I TELLING YOU THIS I SHOULD JUST GO TO BED BUT I'M SUPPOSED TO BE WORKING ON THINGS AND MY BRAIN IS BEING FULL OF CRAZY {but not Sheen crazy} SO I HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAD TO WRITE A FUCKING BLOGSBY] but everyone would spell it Sheena, and now I just though of myself being Charlie Sheen and I think I'm having a brain aneuryism) made me think about all of the "things" that I'm over. Which, as of now, are really two things. But I'm sure I'll think of more as I write. Because, as you can tell, I'm clearly of sound mind right now. Can't is the cancer of happen, and all that.
Anyway. Here we go.
Covers of "Creep" by Radiohead. This might lose me friends... but I can't help it. I mean, I've heard great covers of that song. And I feel like I could easily argue that I'd rather people cover THAT song well than any other Radiohead song badly. But... it's not true. If you're a good musician (and those of you out there who know me, and who cover "Creep," fall into that category), then I'd hope you know more Radiohead songs. Because they have some that would be AWESOME to cover. I mean, I'll take a fucking cover of "High and Dry" at this point. QUIT PLAYING "CREEP." Please. Go find a way to make an acoustic version of a song off Kid A. Seriously - I dare you. I can think of two songs on that album right now that could rock that shit. Let's change it up, folks. (For the record, Brittany - I feel as though you will take this personally. It's not personal. Your version is awesome. But I've heard, literally, 5 other people cover that fucking song since you have. So now, even your version is tainted for me. Blame all of the other people for ruining your pretty, pretty cover.)
Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip. Oh look! Another that might lose me friends. And I'll start it in a similar way - I mean, I like the show. But it's not THAT fucking great. I've never really gotten the intense, ass-devouring love of Aaron Sorkin. (Robert Evans time - if you don't know what that means, look it up. I'm took lazy to link things.) Did I enjoy The Social Network? Yes. Was Sports Night the shit? OF COURSE. Did The West Wing make me think about important things, while also making me tired at the same time? You betcha. I'm just saying, I think he's a great writer, but I also think he's a bit of a self-important ass... which doesn't make him all that different from other Hollywoodies (pretty sure I didn't make up that term, but it sounds stupid enough to be mine), but I don't like those people's writing either. Correction: I actually DO like Sorkin's writing (obviously; see above), I just don't see what all the hoopla is all about. (Sidenote: "hoopla" was used in a Wheel of Fortune puzzle today, and I decided that I wanted to use it more in every day life. Also, I need to stop it with the sidenotes. However, does it make it better when I actually ALERT you to the fact that it's a sidenote? And YES, I know I should write it "side note," but I like to think of it as one word in my head, so one word it will be. And ALSO YES, I watch Wheel of Fortune because IT'S FUCKING AWESOME. I also watch Jeopardy twice a day, so my mind is like a steel trap. Or a sad mid-40s housewife.)
SIGH. Tashina... stay on track.
The point is, with Studio 60, so many people seem to blame 30 Rock for its demise. Let's be clear: 30 Rock's ratings weren't GREAT either, but they were higher than Studio 60. Or, at least they stayed steady, while Studio 60's rapidly declined (until the very end, when they rose up incrementally). My biggest problem with Studio 60 lies (lied? I mean, I feel like present tense is fine because you can still watch the show on DVD) with the sketches they presented on the show within a show. They just... aren't that funny. That Gilbert & Sullivan thing was mildly amusing to me, because I know who the fuck G&S are. (See? I abbreviated it, that's how you know I know who they are.) But even so, I wondered how many people would actually get it. And let's be clear, I LOVE being able to watch shows and understand things that no one else gets. (This usually happens because I Google it, and pretend like I already knew it. I am a fraud. But I know things! Kinda!) This is the mark of being a pretentious asshole, which I enjoy being. But that ONE sketch is just the tip of the iceberg. The reason 30 Rock sketches work is that they show so little of them. You get just enough to know if it's ridiculous, or dumb, or whatever the writers want you to think of that sketch. But with Studio 60, it's an entire show based on two brilliant writers who are too good for people to understand, and they come back to save their old show, and everything is supposed to be genius. But it's not, and it's never admitted that it's not. (I mean, fine, they did sometimes, but they often put up a lot of shitty sketches that they thought were awesome.) While I don't think that's why the show got canned, that's certainly why I don't LOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE it. I like it. I'll probably own it on DVD one day. But I'll probably be fast-forwarding past a lot of those sketches when/if I watch it again.
And these are my two things that I'm over. I guess I didn't come up with a better blogsby title. Although I'm tempted to put a moratorium on the word "blogsby" because I'd bet that it's something a lot of OTHER people are over.
Oh, hey! Aaron Sorkin used to do crack. Charlie Sheen is clearly on some form of crack-like substance (even if that substance is "his brain"). We have come full circle.
(Also, I know that prepositions aren't supposed to be on the ends of sentences, but the English language has given up on the internet, so I'm giving up on the English language. DEALWITHIT. No spaces, motherfuckers.)
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