Super Bowl Week #3: SUPER BOWL

Yeah, my title is redundant. DEAL WITH IT. Also, I clearly fell down on my "blog-a-day"  hope for this week. You can deal with THAT, as well. I love saying "deal with it," and here's part of the reason why...

Anyway. That's not football-related. So since I've waited until now to write another blog, I'll just go ahead and talk about the actual game. Fun fact: Did you know that most commercials or advertisements or whatever are not allowed to use any NFL-related terms or paraphernalia, including the phrases "Super Bowl" and "Super Sunday"? That's why people say "the big game" a lot. FUN FOOTBALL FACT!

If you didn't already know, I'm rooting for the Packers in the Super Bowl. Despite my predilection for hating people based on their off-field shenanigans, this has nothing to do with Roethlisberger (allegedly) manhandling a bunch of Southern college girls. I never liked the guy much in the first place, and I would be lying if I said that I don't use his personal issues to fuel my dislike. But even then, I can't bring myself to completely hate him. Yes, I'm sure that if I met him, I'd hate the shit out of him. (I wouldn't LITERALLY hate the shit out of him - I don't know if it's possible, but if it is, I'd only want to do it if I wasn't near the person whose shit I was hating out. The last thing you wanna do around someone you hate is deal with their literal shit.) I don't appreciate anyone (allegedly) doing immeasurably fucked up things to anyone, but this season, I've realized that I can hate someone off-field while still liking their skills on-field. This is what Michael Vick has done to us. (I realize that there's a complete possibility that Vick was rehabilitated in jail, so maybe "hate" is too strong of a word for him. And YES, I know that Lawrence Taylor did this too back in the day [and is still doing it, that son of a bitch] while being amazing on the field, but I didn't give much of a shit to football back then, so DEAL WITH IT. You can ALSO deal with the fact that I know other people besides LT did that, but this is not what this blogsby is about, so stop distracting me, dammit!)

The Steelers and Packers are 1 and 2 in defense, respectively. Thus, it's making everyone argue that the game will be won on defense. First of all, it's said that the game will be won on defense EVERY DAMN YEAR. Why is this game any different? Well, actually, it IS different because you're deal with the top 2 ranked defenses in the league. Which means it seems a thousand times more likely that the game will be won on offense. And... duh, the Packers are better than the Steelers, especially if the Steelers can't use Pouncey. They have no real center, so Green Bay is going to MURDER them.

This is my opinion. I'm sure people have others... but they're wrong. I'm just sayin'.

More importantly (WARNING: girl alert!), the Packers will win because of Aaron Rodgers' magic. (You know, I have the hardest time with pluralizing names that end in "s." I know that you can either just do the apostrophe or adding another "s" on the end, and I've lived my whole life doing the extra "s." Now I'm in a tailspin because I've gotten lazy, and I don't want to do the "s" anymore, but I also don't want to cave in to societal norms. MY GRAMMATICAL LIFE IS IN A TAILSPIN.)

"I'm sorry," you might be saying, "did you just say MAGIC?! Are you on crack?" Yes, I did, and yes, I am. Aaron Rodgers is my crack, bitches. His aura is filled with a sparkly yellow that overwhelms all of his opponents. His spirit unleashes adorable puppies into the psyches of the defense until they are blindly groping about, sometimes hitting their own players. He's only gotten sacks (and two concussions) this year because the other guy thought that they were saving him from a den of man-hungry lions. He's still working on his magic (clearly, he'd like to not be sacked at all), but give him another year, and he'll be THE MOST MAGICAL BEING IN ALL OF THE NFL. He's working on his laser-beam eyes, but right now they're like a laser pen whose batteries are almost out. This is probably best, since the person most likely to be on the receiving end of those laser eyes is Brett Favre, who is planning on going into hiding until after all 50 of his former masseuses are done filing charges against him.

So there ya go - the Packers will win, and Aaron Rodgers is magic. Also, Mike Tomlin is badass, and it makes me sad to go against him, but his magic isn't as powerful. Everyone knows that Omar Epps can only do so much for you.

Super Bowl Week #2: FOOD

Tuesday's almost over, so let's do a quick one that actually pertains to the Super Bowl: FOOD. FUCKIN' DELICIOUS SUPER BOWL PARTY FOOD. Let's get into it!

(Side note: Just saw the Packers [and a nanosecond of the Steelers] on a teaser for Access Hollywood. That doesn't seem right. Nonetheless, I'm obligated to continue watching. I'm filled with shame. But my shame is made of lemon meringue, so I think I'll be okay.)

I'm in the process of getting together food for a Super Bowl party, along with some other people. If you haven't already been invited... well, that means you're not invited. I can't feed everyone, bitches! Deal with it. ANYWAY, I've been looking up a lot of recipes for a lot of normal finger foods, and I feel pretty excited about it. However, there are a lot of ridiculous recipes out there, particularly for chicken wings. This is what I'm most looking forward to making because I've never made them before. Let's look at some of the more weird ones.

(AH MAH GAH the Access Hollywood piece on the Super Bowl just made me yell at the TV. PLEASE do not ask their preference on TV shows, or social networking sites, or idiotic female singers. They're playing the most important football game of the year in less than a week. Media Day is the WORST day of Super Bowl Week. If I had the focus right now, I'd do a whole blog on that. However, I'm clearly ADD right now. Oh, and by the way? Aaron Rodgers CLEARLY picked Glee over Modern Family because the Super Bowl is on FOX. I hope. I REALLY, REALLY HOPE.)

CRANBERRY BARBECUED CHICKEN WINGS: I'm sorry, but when you're dealing with something that is stereotypically known as a "man" finger food, using cranberries seems to be ruining it. It's the equivalent of seeing some big beefy dude order a Cosmo at the bar. If it's red and fruity, a man only wants it if it's strawberries and cream, and even then, only if he's eating it off your body.

DRAGON BREATH CHICKEN WINGS: They're Asian chicken wings, which isn't actually that weird... but the name. THE NAME. It's bad enough that buffalo chicken wings give you a mouth of fire, but do you want to eat wings that literally THREATEN fire mouth?! Not to mention that I imagine dragon breath to be equivalent of morning breath after a night of copious drinking and smoking, and that sounds fucking disgusting. No thanks.

MAHOGANY CHICKEN WINGS: Sounds like wood. Also sounds like something a douchebag would order at a bar, just so he could say to a lady, "Wanna try my mahogany chicken wings?" Dude. You don't have real mahogany in your house. Quit trying to put it in your mouth. ... Heh. Wood in your mouth. (Also? Mahogany is an incredibly hard word to spell.)

MEXICAN PARTY CHICKEN WINGS: That is a sex act. It cannot possibly be an actual food. It would be a guy fucking you whilst singing the Mexican Hat Dance song (This is the song, if you don't know), and then when he comes on your face, he throws some salsa on your chest. I'm just saying, I wouldn't TOUCH Mexican Party chicken wings if I saw them.

TOM'S WINGS: Okay, granted, I'm sure this is just some dude that wanted his recipe online. But... there is NOTHING to the recipe. It's a lazy man's version of a regular chicken wing. Did you REALLY think anyone needed that, Tom? Lemon juice and some hot sauce do not a good recipe make. (Even though those are the flavors I put on almost everything I eat. I'm not putting my shitty recipes for white trash pasta/quesadillas/whatever is in my fridge ONLINE, though.)

The last one is really not THAT weird, since I've seen recipes for them everywhere, but...

NAKED CHICKEN WINGS: I don't appreciate any of my food being called "naked." In addition, this manages to be even MORE boring that Tom's wings. Poor Tom. If only you'd put some nudity (or a vaguely sexual reference) in your wings.

For the record, I'm planning to make a lot of food with bacon in it. I haven't decided if the wings will have any... BUT I WILL FIND A WAY. Hopefully. I mean, I'm poor. I can't buy THAT much bacon. Or... can I?

Super Bowl Week #1: NFL Themes

Happy Super Bowl Week, everyone! I thought about creating a separate football blog, so as to keep my non-football friends from hating me. But since this football season will be over in less than a week (and we might not have football next year), I decided to put it here and tell you all to SUCK IT. Don't read it if you don't want to. I don't care. And to make it worse for you, I'll be trying to post a football blogsby every day this week. They will run the gamut of footbally things that interest me.

(Yes, I realize that typing "footbally" makes me seem less football-friendly. At least I don't have a pink jersey that says "Mrs. Romo" on the back or some dumb shit. SO SHUT IT.)

I thought today would be a good day to talk about all the different NFL themes that play on each station. And by this, I mean the ACTUAL themes. Not Hank Williams, Jr. asking you if you're ready for some football, or Faith Hill murdering what little there was to that Joan Jett song. I'm talking about all of the themes used as bumpers into commercials and whatnot. I'll post YouTube videos below to help you know what I'm talking about.

Preface: I realized after finding these videos that these themes are like REAL songs. They go on forever and have weird parts in them that I've never heard. It's incredibly disconcerting. Please, listen all the way through the 2ish minutes of each song. It's worth it. (Or it's not, and I'll waste your time, and again, I'll tell you to SUCK IT.)

... Man, I should really try to be nicer. But then I wouldn't like myself as much.

Monday Night Football Theme

This has been around forever. First, most people know that MNF moved from ABC to ESPN a while back. But this song is, like, an institution. There were commercials a while back (I think when they were trying to advertise that it had moved to ESPN) that had people singing it to themselves at work to get through the "Mondays" or something, because then they could go home and watch MNF! MNF! Bah bah bah bah.... bah bah BAH baaaaaah!!! It established the very important motif of trumpets and drums in NFL themes. Can you imagine if someone tried to create a new NFL theme, and it DIDN'T have trumpets or drums? THERE WOULD BE RIOTS IN THE STREETS. MNF knew what they were doing.

NBC Sunday Night Football Theme

This is the gateway between the other themes and the MNF theme. Still a little old school, all TRUMPETS AND DRUMS, but starting to give a little essence of the synthesizerness that is to come. For me, this is probably the most boring theme. I think they spent all their money on getting a new person to sing some stupid cover song each year, so they threw 50 dollars at some high school tuba player who thinks he's the next John Philip Sousa to write a song that "evokes football." That kid is rich and boring now. Wait, he was boring then. Come on, high school tuba player... YOU PLAY THE TUBA. By definition, you will never be the next John Philip Sousa. Go back to playing "Hang On Sloopy" and keep your weird, nerdy hands out of my football themes.

NFL Network's Thursday Night Football Theme

I'll be honest - I've only watched the NFL Network once, and technically not even then. It was this past Christmas, when the Cowboys game was simulcast on the local CW network. So I have no idea what the actual NFL Network experience is like. However, if it is always covered in Deion Sanders, I think I'll refrain. That dude is an idiot. "Prime Time" is not a thing anymore. Squeezing it into whatever point you're making does not mean that you're saying something that makes sense. In fact, it makes LESS sense, and I have to refrain from punching my TV screen. I can't even stand him on those Pepsi Max commercials. Speaking of, doesn't Rich Eisen look like he wants to kill himself in those? I feel bad for him.

What was I supposed to be talking about? Oh right... the theme. The NFL Network is obviously the baby of the bunch, and this theme really seems like it's trying too hard. I wouldn't be surprised if I found out that they hired the Trans Siberian Orchestra to record them a football theme. I mean, even NBC is embarrassed for them. No one wants to think of heavy Christmas music while they're watching football! Especially not on a Thursday - most of these people have another day of work to slog through, and all they want is to relax to some football and not think about the world, but the NFL Network is playing some song that evokes the darkest aspects of a holiday that ruins football with a bunch of family shit. That's straight-up cold, NFL Network. Give the people their football without a side of depression!

NFL on CBS Theme

Here, we start getting some serious fuckin' POWER CHORDS. This one is like, "Yeah, I know we're on CBS, and most of our audience consists of old people who don't know how to change the channel, but it's FUCKIN' FOOTBALL TIME NOW, BITCHES, SO YOU OLD PEOPLE BETTER HOLD ON TO YOUR FUCKIN' DEPENDS. We're about to BLAST your ASSES with AWESOME DUDES hitting each other IN THE FACE. (Well, not in the face, since we have helmets on, and not even in the helmets now, since we'd have to pay a fine for that, but) WE'RE BADASS MOTHERFUCKERS WHO WILL EXPLODE YOUR DAMN TV SCREEN. BLAMMO!" It's a very shouty theme, is what I'm saying. It also somehow toes the line of trying to scare your grandparents AND still being white enough for the old racist people to keep watching despite all those giant minorities beating up on the poor, smaller white folk.

NFL on FOX Theme

(I know the video pic looks the same as the CBS one, but I swear it's different. If you care. Whatever, JUST CLICK ON IT. [All this intense football music is making me feel 'roidy.]) Whenever I watch a FOX game, I have this theme stuck in my head for the rest of the day. It earworms the shit out of me. I think it's because it takes the best ideas from the other themes, mixes it with "The Final Countdown" by Europe, puts it in a blender with a robot doing the electric slide, and throws it up in the air while saying, "We may have Joe Buck, but we're still MORE HARDCORE than anyone else. Shut up, CBS, because we have YOUNG AND HIP people on our station! We even managed to make that sissy-ass Glee show about football because we are STRONG AS FUCK AND INTENSER THAN MACHO MAN RANDY SAVAGE AND MADE OF ROBOT PARTS ARRRRRRRRRGH"

Seriously. Imagine a movie-type montage: Music starts. 2 teams charging out of their respective tunnels. The coin toss. Getting ready for kickoff... that song build comes in... bah dah dah daaaaaaaaaah... DAH! And kickoff. It's epic. It's part of the reason why I'm looking forward to this year's Super Bowl so much.

Also?  Have you HEARD their injury version of the song? I tried to find a video, but I couldn't. It's all sad guitars and John Mayer faces while the player lies helpless on the field. Now, I don't like when players get injured, but if it's GOING to happen, I'd prefer for it to be on FOX. The injury theme took an epic song and turned it into something meaningful. It's like when Poison went from singing "Talk Dirty to Me" to "Every Rose Has Its Thorn." Yes, "Rose" is fucking OVERplayed all the time now, but in the '80s? Minds. Blown. The FOX injury theme completes my life.


So there you go. I have topic ideas for this week, but if you have something footbally that you want me to write about, let me know. IT'S FUCKIN' SUPER BOWL WEEK. Go wash your panties, because they're about to get soiled.

Football Head.

Alright... I know it's another football blog [EDITOR'S NOTE: I've deleted the previous blog at this point], but I've had questions about my term of "football head," so I feel the need to address it further. DEAL WITH IT.

Football head: When someone's head had the shape of a football, minus the pointy ends. Essentially, the point (heh) is to think about it as a head someone can throw like a football. Formally thought of as "linebacker head," until the realization was reached that linebackers just had GIANT heads, period. Seriously. Linebackers are all heads and guts. Which sounds like some kind of motto a football coach would use. "HEADS AND GUTS!"

Nowadays, football head is most noticeable in quarterbacks. Maybe it's because they're the most well-known, I guess. Also, it seems to mostly afflict Caucasians (with one exception). Here are my favorite football heads, with pictures for those of you who are not football-inclined.

Chris Berman

As those of you who read my other football blog (and/or who watch ESPN) know, Chris Berman is not a football player. BUT LOOK AT THAT HEAD. It's so footbally! And Philly cheeseteaky. Seriously. That dude looks (and sounds) like he lives on Philly cheesesteaks and cigars. This is the man for whom the term "football head" was created, so he must be mentioned. He is the President of the Football Head Club, but unlike the Hair Club president, he is not also a client. (And by client, I mean that he doesn't play football. [You know, in case you didn't get my super-subtle jokes. They're so subtle! Right?] Nor is he a client of the Hair Club, obviously.) With this in mind, I shall give each of the following quarterbacks an officer position for the Football Head Club.

Peyton Manning - Public Relations

I couldn't find a good picture of his head, but trust: it is epic. He gets extra points for his ENORMOUS forehead, and pointy chin. Any time I see him without his helmet on, my mind screams, "FOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOTBAAAAAAAAAAAAAALL HEAD." He actually looks more normal with a helmet on. I love it. I wonder if he secretly wants to live with a helmet on at all times, because sometimes he doesn't take it off immediately at the end of games. Pey-Pey makes me want to create an animated cartoon where children play football with his head. Who wouldn't want to watch that cartoon? BECAUSE IT WOULD BE AWESOME. He's also really nice, and has a hot wife. Thus, he is our PR guy.

Eli Manning - Treasurer

Skinny football head! The shape is still there, but it's not as bulbous as some other football headers. Eli is similar to Peyton in that he looks more normal in a helmet, as well. He gets the Treasurer position because his head isn't as impressive as some of the others, and no one likes being treasurer, so he got the short stick. Man, football headers can be jerks sometimes. I bet they were the ones who leaked those pics of Eli drunk in college. Although... so what? Who DIDN'T get drunk in college? Good for Eli for seeming normal. He tempers Peyton's seeming perfection. How did I get on this topic? This is not what I should be talking about.

Donovan McNabb - Secretary

GOOD GRAVY THAT IS A FOOTBALL OF A HEAD. Look at it. It's so glorious in its footballyness. Donovan gets the distinction of being the only minority in the NFL with football head. This distinction, of course, has only been made by me, and I don't know every player in the NFL. Feel free to enlighten me of other football heads in the comments. Why is he the secretary? Because someone had to be. And he keeps to himself, which is what you want in a secretary. I mean, look at this season: the contentious trade, the freefall that the Redskins are in... and is Donovan (I use his first name CUZ WE'RE TOTES BESTIES) causing any shit? No. It's fucking Albert Haynesworth. Good for you, Donnie. Just keep your (SERIOUSLY IT'S HUGE) head down and take those notes.

Ben Roethlisberger - Vice President

Side football head! And OF COURSE he's vice president; he probably intimidated his way into the position, and is now trying to figure out how to kill off Philly Cheesesteak. Man, he is a bad ass as a quarterback, but he brings shame to the good name of Football Head. Allegedly. Also, he is quite beefy for a quarterback. Maybe THAT'S why he's VP. Beefaroni and Philly Cheesesteak work together to keep the quieter members of the Football Head Club in line. And then they inappropriately fondle ladies. Allegedly.

And here are 2 up-and-comers of the Football Head Club...

Jon Kitna

It's like he's about to point at it: "Look guys, it's a football head! Seriously! I'M WORTH SOMETHING." Kitna's road to football headery is much like his NFL career. He's always been there, he's not terrible... but no one really cares about him. His football head is neither large nor weird enough to make an impression. Now that he's helped out the Cowboys some, Beefaroni and Philly Cheesesteak decided that they had to let him in. But he'll probably get kicked out when Romo comes back... even though it's still a majestic football head.

Brett Favre

He didn't always have a football head. But once he retired/got fired/what-the-FUCK-ever from Green Bay, the football head has started to emerge. Any time he has a new issue (be it sucking for the Jets, sucking for the Vikings, or sending photos of his awkward, small penis), the football head gets bigger. I couldn't find a more recent photo, but if you look at him today, his football head is RAGING. Ha... raging football head. That has to be some sexual thing that happens when people tailgate. Anyway, either Brett Favre is eating his feelings, and all that food is going to his head, or he consciously tried to grow a football head in order to distract people from his personal problems. Either way, it amuses me greatly, so I encourage your football head, Brett Fuckre.

I was gonna write about how Tom Brady's head is the opposite of football head, and how he's trying to create a new club called I Grew My Hair Out So That People Don't Know How Small My Head Is Club. But clearly, the joke is right there in the club name. So I'll just leave it at that. Feel free to comment on other football heads (whether they play football or not), or Tom Brady-like heads. Seriously. Look at Tom Brady in a helmet. HIS HEAD IS RIDICULOUSLY SMALL.