I have a Whitney Houston song in my head (see above). This cannot be good. Don't you find it odd that "can" and "not" are separate words, but "cannot" is allowed together? Also, homonyms are weird... like "allowed" and "aloud." Remember that movie with Holly Hunter, Queen Latifah, and Danny Devito? Living Out Loud? I never saw it, but it looked mediocre. That is one random-ass cast, though.
Listen, all you Twitter people (that saw my drinking tweets) who may be reading this: I AM NOT DRUNK. I may be drinking, but I am not drunk. I am bored, and thus amusing myself by writing inane shit. I SHOULD be working on important shit, but it's late, and I don't want to worry about that. SO THERE. CAPS LOCK. Anyway, I read something earlier today about how people should never say "I'm bored" because the world is so beautiful and full of things to do and we should all come together and hold hands and say kumbaya or whatever the fuck. That is stupid. People get bored. Yes, our lives are short, and we should live each moment to the fullest, but I prefer to just be BORED sometimes and entertain myself (by blogging). Or complain about it (by blogging). Or annoy a friend until he/she decides to hang out with me (this option rarely involves blogging). This is LIFE. You can tell people to "grab the bull by the horns" or some shit for your entire life, and there will still be people complaining about being bored. Gah, I hate upbeat people.
You guys. I love Cold Case. And it is a TERRIBLE show that rightly got cancelled a season or two ago. But I watch it a lot in reruns, and I can't get enough. Like, there is a lot of shitty TV on late at night, and I usually pay no attention to it because I'm fucking around on the internet, but I watch Cold Case every damn time. IT'S SO BAD. AND CHEESY. AND BAD. The whole premise is about old cases that never closed (hence the term "cold," and if you don't know that, you've never seen a crime procedural in your life, and I don't know if we can be friends), so there are these flashbacks to the events leading up to the crime, and they use the most OBVIOUS (but usually meticulously time-appropriate) music ever to set up each flashback. And THEN each show ends with a montage, using a flashback-appropriate song. They've done a lot of different time periods, but my favorite are the '80s episodes, of course. because there are so few legitimately sincere songs from that period. Once, they ended an episode with a montage set to "Can't Fight This Feeling" by REO Speedwagon (man, I just Googled that, to make sure I had the band right, and I DID, and I felt sad about knowing who sings "Can't Fight This Feeling")... and I mean, HAVE YOU HEARD THAT SONG? In this day and age (what am I, 70?), you can't sincerely set a montage to that song. Yeesh. The point is, you should all be watching this show, and we should make a drinking game out of it.
So I had a birthday recently. I turned... an age that's fairly significant. Some people know exactly how old I am, but I'm refusing to say from now on. I have friends (even some who are close to my age) who think I'm being stupid for not talking about it, but I don't care. I have my own feelings about my age, and I'm allowed to have them, and no one can change my mind about those feelings. The fact is, there is a stigma placed on women (particularly those involved in the performing arts), especially in regards to age, so I'd just prefer to avoid that stigma until I'm forced to reckon with it. Given the fact that I look younger than I am, I figure I have at least 7 years before I have to do that. However... I should stop using words like "reckon" if I want to sound younger, AND not like a country bumpkin. (Aw, "bumpkin," another word that I probably shouldn't use. I'm old and adorable. Oldorable... ew. That kind of sounds like someone who is old and smelly.)
It doesn't help that I'm currently jobless, homeless, and without a checking account (I guess the last thing probably makes sense, considering the first two things). On top of that, nearly all of my friends that I've had since I was in my late teens/early twenties are married and/or having babies. None of my mind can wrap itself around that. Hell, I'm not sure I WANT to get married, and I'm almost positive I don't want to have babies. So it's not so much that I feel like I have to keep up, as much as I feel like I'm supposed to be wanting certain things in my life that I just... don't. Right now, I don't actually feel bad about those things, but that just might be the white trash Sangria talking.
GOD. This got weirdly depressing.
WHAT THE FUCK?! WHY ARE THEY MAKING A FINAL DESTINATION 5?!?!?! And why have I not seen a commercial for it before now? (Wait, why am I upset at not having seen a commercial? THIS is the problem with watching too much TV. Well, this, and the fact that I watch too much TV. That's a problem within itself. This is getting awfully existential.... about TV.) I hate people. WE are the reason these terrible fucking movies get made. Do you REALLY feel the need to watch horror movies in the theater? Are the scares that much scarier on the big screen? STOP FEEDING THESE MOVIE SHITSTORMS. Sigh. Okay, but really, I just hate horror movies with a passion, because they scare the ever-loving shit out of me. I cannot handle the big-jump scares OR the gore. In other words, I'm a big scaredy-cat. Also, Tony Todd is fucking cool (he's in Final Destination 5, if you didn't know, AND YOU SHOULDN'T), and I wish some Tarantino-esque director would get him out of the horror movie slums and put him in something awesome.
I feel sweaty.
Showing posts with label movies. Show all posts
Showing posts with label movies. Show all posts
Sunday, July 24, 2011
Thursday, October 14, 2010
I can't help myself.
Did you know that there's a McDonald's by the Dallas Zoo? And did you know that it's zoo-themed? BECAUSE IT IS AND IT KEEPS MAKING TERRIFYING ANIMALS NOISES AT ME WHILE I'M TRYING TO GET SOME WORK DONE. This is worse than the obnoxious teenagers. I think I've had 17 heart attacks since I've been here. Thus, blogging, because I can't concentrate on anything important.
By the way, the only reason that the original Pure Country owned (and let's be clear here, it NEVER owned, not even in an old-timey historical sense where it owned slaves, which would actually make sense in a country movie, although I guess not anymore since black people make country music [I'M LOOKING AT YOU DARIUS RUCKER], which kind of upsets me because country music was all crazy racism [that's crazism, for those of you playing at home], and now black people are like "yeah, that's cool, but me singing with a weird twang is even cooler" or something? anyway, the point being that Pure Country does not, and will never OWN in any awesome sense of the word) was because of Leslie Ann Warren.
Ah, Leslie Ann Warren. You are my favorite cray cray lay day. To wit:
- Clue
- Secretary
- Sydney Pollock's crazy mistress on Will & Grace
Those are just off the top of my head. Apparently she was naked a lot and kissed ladies in some older movies, like No Way Out with Kevin Costner, when Kevin Costner was awesome. Remember that? MAN. I miss awesome Kevin Costner. He should write a movie - no, wait, scratch that FOREVER - he should be in a movie with Leslie Ann Warren. I would watch the shit out of that. And then I would somehow age 15 years whilst watching it. [edit: Turns out the movie I was thinking of was Color of Night, with Bruce Willis. And he still KINDA has a career. So I feel stupid. But I would still watch a movie with the two of them. And it would OWN, unlike stupid stupid waste-of-time Pure Country.]
But it would be worth it. I think. I hope. I PRAY.
So you get Leslie Ann Warren in Pure Country 2, and I'll be there in my hair. Which I will style all Texas-big, because the only thing I know about country music is stereotypes.
(I am embarrassed that I have written 2 blogs ostensibly about Pure Country and its ilk. But I just used the words "ostensibly" and "ilk," so that makes me feel better.)
By the way, the only reason that the original Pure Country owned (and let's be clear here, it NEVER owned, not even in an old-timey historical sense where it owned slaves, which would actually make sense in a country movie, although I guess not anymore since black people make country music [I'M LOOKING AT YOU DARIUS RUCKER], which kind of upsets me because country music was all crazy racism [that's crazism, for those of you playing at home], and now black people are like "yeah, that's cool, but me singing with a weird twang is even cooler" or something? anyway, the point being that Pure Country does not, and will never OWN in any awesome sense of the word) was because of Leslie Ann Warren.
Ah, Leslie Ann Warren. You are my favorite cray cray lay day. To wit:
- Clue
- Secretary
- Sydney Pollock's crazy mistress on Will & Grace
Those are just off the top of my head. Apparently she was naked a lot and kissed ladies in some older movies, like No Way Out with Kevin Costner, when Kevin Costner was awesome. Remember that? MAN. I miss awesome Kevin Costner. He should write a movie - no, wait, scratch that FOREVER - he should be in a movie with Leslie Ann Warren. I would watch the shit out of that. And then I would somehow age 15 years whilst watching it. [edit: Turns out the movie I was thinking of was Color of Night, with Bruce Willis. And he still KINDA has a career. So I feel stupid. But I would still watch a movie with the two of them. And it would OWN, unlike stupid stupid waste-of-time Pure Country.]
But it would be worth it. I think. I hope. I PRAY.
So you get Leslie Ann Warren in Pure Country 2, and I'll be there in my hair. Which I will style all Texas-big, because the only thing I know about country music is stereotypes.
(I am embarrassed that I have written 2 blogs ostensibly about Pure Country and its ilk. But I just used the words "ostensibly" and "ilk," so that makes me feel better.)
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Sequels are only good if they're pure.
(editing note: I don't know why the spaces between each paragraph are so cray cray. Deal with it.)
Today was a nice day outside. Which makes it annoying when you're inside somewhere for a long time (like, say, Borders on your lunch break because although McDonald's has WiFi and cheap food, it's also full of CRAZIES or OBNOXIOUS ADOLESCENTS that make me want to throw things) and the AC is freezing, but the outside weather isn't really hot enough to justify such chilly indoor conditions, and then I got in my car (verb tense change!) and it was like a cozy blanket (or a SNUGGIE!), so I turned off the AC and basked in my sauna... until it turned into an actual sauna (I mean, not ACTUAL because my company car is not a transformer, although that would make my job 5000 times more awesome) and I got too sweaty. I think this weird weather might have messed up my tires too, but that might just be my driving because I like to get in high speed chases with Steve McQueen. Wait - I mean Steve R. McQueen. Yeah, not the cool one; obviously, because OG McQueen is dead. No, I'm talking about his grandson, who was in Piranha 3D, and if I was to blame one person for ruining that movie... well, it would probably be the producer who thought the audience wanted to CARE about any of those characters. Clearly, the audience just wanted to see Jerry O'Connell be a jackass, Adam Scott be a badass, and piranhas eating asses. But also, I'd blame the awfulness of that movie on Steve R. McQueen, which would bring it back to the producer, because he probably cast that stupid little douchebottle.
How did I get here? This is not what I wanted to talk about today. What did I want to talk about? OH RIGHT. Pure Country 2.
So I saw something about this the other day (which, by the way, is called Pure Country 2: The Gift [HOLY SHIT that title is the best, although mostly because it makes me think of that movie The Gift being mixed with Pure Country, and I'm sure that's not what's happening here]), but I didn't think anything of it. And then today, I heard approximately 50 commercials for it on the radio. Yes, I still listen to the radio. DEAL WITH IT.
So... this commercial was... AMAZING. I couldn't find the exact trailer, but this one's close (and just as long:) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vu7_B2tzKHo. Magical black lady? Check. ASIAN COUNTRY BAND?!?! ... Check. Which, also, that part wasn't on the radio commercial, so that part made watching the trailer totally worth it.
Dude. Seriously. Who was clamoring for this movie? Who the HELL was clamoring for the first Pure Country? I don't even think George Strait fans were thinking, "Man, you know what would make George Strait more awesome? If he did a movie in which his acting could be unfavorably compared to a brick wall." Except George Strait fans might have thought that more... country-esque. Or something. I don't know, I don't listen to country. Maybe instead of "brick wall," they'd say "bale of hay" or something.
STOP HASSLIN' ME. (Hey, that sounds country!) I'm getting off topic again.
Okay, so here's the synopsis for Pure Country 2: "Three angels bestow the gift of song to a young girl, who must follow a series of rules in order hold on to it during her rise to fame and fortune." Well... there's the gift part, I guess. And WHERE IS THAT ANGEL SHIT IN THE PREVIEW?!?! Three angels circling around some country Asians and a magical black lady? Every pothead would go see that movie. Hell, I might even see that movie. Angels. ANGELS. FUCKING ANGELS?!?! Yes, please. Give them to me, along with the rules, and throw in some regulations while you're at it.
And finally, the best part of Pure Country 2. It was co-written and directed by Christopher Cain, who directed the first Pure Country. Who co-wrote it with him? That's right, Dean Cain. Dean "I used to play Superman, but on a TV show, so no one really cares because remember George Reeves? Yeah, no one else did either until Hollywoodland came out and everyone was like, 'Oh, Ben Affleck is so George Reeves' except they don't even KNOW about George Reeves but I do because I know the pain of being a TV Superman OH GOD WHY DOESN'T ANYONE LOVE ME?" Cain.
Apparently, Christopher Cain is his dad. So I'm thinking that one of two things happened...
1) Christopher Cain, in his infinite crazy-man old age wisdom, decided to write a sequel to Pure Country. And Dean Cain, in his infinite non-employment, kept annoying him about getting a job. I imagine it might have been something like this. Dean: "Hey Dad, whatcha doin'?" Christopher: "Well, I -" Dean: "That's cool, I'm just sitting here doing nothing ALL DAY and wondering why if I'm so handsome and likeable, why won't anyone hire me? Hey, are you working on a MOVIE? I wanna do a movie I wanna do a movie I wanna do a movie I wanna do a movie [on so on until Christopher decided to let him help out with the movie]"
2) Christopher Cain got Alzheimer's, and kept talking about Pure Country so much, that Dean Cain decided to help him write a sequel in order to give him some closure. Which was kinda sad and very sweet... but then Christopher saw how plastic surgeryed (surgeried? surgery'd?) George Strait's face was. And he was cured of his Alzheimer's! But they decided to finish the movie anyway, because Dean Cain was secretly sexin' that lead nobody girl. And after it was all over, they started a secret science experiment to see if George Strait's face could cure ALL Alzheimer's.
Either way, that backstory is way better than whatever the actual movie will be. Although after all this Pure Country 2: The Gift (now with more of Katie Holmes's boobs!) talk, I'm thinking about wrangling a group together to go see the movie. We can be loud and obnoxious, just like teenagers that hang out at McDonald's.
And... full circle. BOOM. I would be awesome at writing a movie.
Today was a nice day outside. Which makes it annoying when you're inside somewhere for a long time (like, say, Borders on your lunch break because although McDonald's has WiFi and cheap food, it's also full of CRAZIES or OBNOXIOUS ADOLESCENTS that make me want to throw things) and the AC is freezing, but the outside weather isn't really hot enough to justify such chilly indoor conditions, and then I got in my car (verb tense change!) and it was like a cozy blanket (or a SNUGGIE!), so I turned off the AC and basked in my sauna... until it turned into an actual sauna (I mean, not ACTUAL because my company car is not a transformer, although that would make my job 5000 times more awesome) and I got too sweaty. I think this weird weather might have messed up my tires too, but that might just be my driving because I like to get in high speed chases with Steve McQueen. Wait - I mean Steve R. McQueen. Yeah, not the cool one; obviously, because OG McQueen is dead. No, I'm talking about his grandson, who was in Piranha 3D, and if I was to blame one person for ruining that movie... well, it would probably be the producer who thought the audience wanted to CARE about any of those characters. Clearly, the audience just wanted to see Jerry O'Connell be a jackass, Adam Scott be a badass, and piranhas eating asses. But also, I'd blame the awfulness of that movie on Steve R. McQueen, which would bring it back to the producer, because he probably cast that stupid little douchebottle.
How did I get here? This is not what I wanted to talk about today. What did I want to talk about? OH RIGHT. Pure Country 2.
So I saw something about this the other day (which, by the way, is called Pure Country 2: The Gift [HOLY SHIT that title is the best, although mostly because it makes me think of that movie The Gift being mixed with Pure Country, and I'm sure that's not what's happening here]), but I didn't think anything of it. And then today, I heard approximately 50 commercials for it on the radio. Yes, I still listen to the radio. DEAL WITH IT.
So... this commercial was... AMAZING. I couldn't find the exact trailer, but this one's close (and just as long:) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vu7_B2tzKHo. Magical black lady? Check. ASIAN COUNTRY BAND?!?! ... Check. Which, also, that part wasn't on the radio commercial, so that part made watching the trailer totally worth it.
Dude. Seriously. Who was clamoring for this movie? Who the HELL was clamoring for the first Pure Country? I don't even think George Strait fans were thinking, "Man, you know what would make George Strait more awesome? If he did a movie in which his acting could be unfavorably compared to a brick wall." Except George Strait fans might have thought that more... country-esque. Or something. I don't know, I don't listen to country. Maybe instead of "brick wall," they'd say "bale of hay" or something.
STOP HASSLIN' ME. (Hey, that sounds country!) I'm getting off topic again.
Okay, so here's the synopsis for Pure Country 2: "Three angels bestow the gift of song to a young girl, who must follow a series of rules in order hold on to it during her rise to fame and fortune." Well... there's the gift part, I guess. And WHERE IS THAT ANGEL SHIT IN THE PREVIEW?!?! Three angels circling around some country Asians and a magical black lady? Every pothead would go see that movie. Hell, I might even see that movie. Angels. ANGELS. FUCKING ANGELS?!?! Yes, please. Give them to me, along with the rules, and throw in some regulations while you're at it.
And finally, the best part of Pure Country 2. It was co-written and directed by Christopher Cain, who directed the first Pure Country. Who co-wrote it with him? That's right, Dean Cain. Dean "I used to play Superman, but on a TV show, so no one really cares because remember George Reeves? Yeah, no one else did either until Hollywoodland came out and everyone was like, 'Oh, Ben Affleck is so George Reeves' except they don't even KNOW about George Reeves but I do because I know the pain of being a TV Superman OH GOD WHY DOESN'T ANYONE LOVE ME?" Cain.
Apparently, Christopher Cain is his dad. So I'm thinking that one of two things happened...
1) Christopher Cain, in his infinite crazy-man old age wisdom, decided to write a sequel to Pure Country. And Dean Cain, in his infinite non-employment, kept annoying him about getting a job. I imagine it might have been something like this. Dean: "Hey Dad, whatcha doin'?" Christopher: "Well, I -" Dean: "That's cool, I'm just sitting here doing nothing ALL DAY and wondering why if I'm so handsome and likeable, why won't anyone hire me? Hey, are you working on a MOVIE? I wanna do a movie I wanna do a movie I wanna do a movie I wanna do a movie [on so on until Christopher decided to let him help out with the movie]"
2) Christopher Cain got Alzheimer's, and kept talking about Pure Country so much, that Dean Cain decided to help him write a sequel in order to give him some closure. Which was kinda sad and very sweet... but then Christopher saw how plastic surgeryed (surgeried? surgery'd?) George Strait's face was. And he was cured of his Alzheimer's! But they decided to finish the movie anyway, because Dean Cain was secretly sexin' that lead nobody girl. And after it was all over, they started a secret science experiment to see if George Strait's face could cure ALL Alzheimer's.
Either way, that backstory is way better than whatever the actual movie will be. Although after all this Pure Country 2: The Gift (now with more of Katie Holmes's boobs!) talk, I'm thinking about wrangling a group together to go see the movie. We can be loud and obnoxious, just like teenagers that hang out at McDonald's.
And... full circle. BOOM. I would be awesome at writing a movie.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)