Super Bowl Week #2: FOOD

Tuesday's almost over, so let's do a quick one that actually pertains to the Super Bowl: FOOD. FUCKIN' DELICIOUS SUPER BOWL PARTY FOOD. Let's get into it!

(Side note: Just saw the Packers [and a nanosecond of the Steelers] on a teaser for Access Hollywood. That doesn't seem right. Nonetheless, I'm obligated to continue watching. I'm filled with shame. But my shame is made of lemon meringue, so I think I'll be okay.)

I'm in the process of getting together food for a Super Bowl party, along with some other people. If you haven't already been invited... well, that means you're not invited. I can't feed everyone, bitches! Deal with it. ANYWAY, I've been looking up a lot of recipes for a lot of normal finger foods, and I feel pretty excited about it. However, there are a lot of ridiculous recipes out there, particularly for chicken wings. This is what I'm most looking forward to making because I've never made them before. Let's look at some of the more weird ones.

(AH MAH GAH the Access Hollywood piece on the Super Bowl just made me yell at the TV. PLEASE do not ask their preference on TV shows, or social networking sites, or idiotic female singers. They're playing the most important football game of the year in less than a week. Media Day is the WORST day of Super Bowl Week. If I had the focus right now, I'd do a whole blog on that. However, I'm clearly ADD right now. Oh, and by the way? Aaron Rodgers CLEARLY picked Glee over Modern Family because the Super Bowl is on FOX. I hope. I REALLY, REALLY HOPE.)

CRANBERRY BARBECUED CHICKEN WINGS: I'm sorry, but when you're dealing with something that is stereotypically known as a "man" finger food, using cranberries seems to be ruining it. It's the equivalent of seeing some big beefy dude order a Cosmo at the bar. If it's red and fruity, a man only wants it if it's strawberries and cream, and even then, only if he's eating it off your body.

DRAGON BREATH CHICKEN WINGS: They're Asian chicken wings, which isn't actually that weird... but the name. THE NAME. It's bad enough that buffalo chicken wings give you a mouth of fire, but do you want to eat wings that literally THREATEN fire mouth?! Not to mention that I imagine dragon breath to be equivalent of morning breath after a night of copious drinking and smoking, and that sounds fucking disgusting. No thanks.

MAHOGANY CHICKEN WINGS: Sounds like wood. Also sounds like something a douchebag would order at a bar, just so he could say to a lady, "Wanna try my mahogany chicken wings?" Dude. You don't have real mahogany in your house. Quit trying to put it in your mouth. ... Heh. Wood in your mouth. (Also? Mahogany is an incredibly hard word to spell.)

MEXICAN PARTY CHICKEN WINGS: That is a sex act. It cannot possibly be an actual food. It would be a guy fucking you whilst singing the Mexican Hat Dance song (This is the song, if you don't know), and then when he comes on your face, he throws some salsa on your chest. I'm just saying, I wouldn't TOUCH Mexican Party chicken wings if I saw them.

TOM'S WINGS: Okay, granted, I'm sure this is just some dude that wanted his recipe online. But... there is NOTHING to the recipe. It's a lazy man's version of a regular chicken wing. Did you REALLY think anyone needed that, Tom? Lemon juice and some hot sauce do not a good recipe make. (Even though those are the flavors I put on almost everything I eat. I'm not putting my shitty recipes for white trash pasta/quesadillas/whatever is in my fridge ONLINE, though.)

The last one is really not THAT weird, since I've seen recipes for them everywhere, but...

NAKED CHICKEN WINGS: I don't appreciate any of my food being called "naked." In addition, this manages to be even MORE boring that Tom's wings. Poor Tom. If only you'd put some nudity (or a vaguely sexual reference) in your wings.

For the record, I'm planning to make a lot of food with bacon in it. I haven't decided if the wings will have any... BUT I WILL FIND A WAY. Hopefully. I mean, I'm poor. I can't buy THAT much bacon. Or... can I?

Super Bowl Week #1: NFL Themes

Happy Super Bowl Week, everyone! I thought about creating a separate football blog, so as to keep my non-football friends from hating me. But since this football season will be over in less than a week (and we might not have football next year), I decided to put it here and tell you all to SUCK IT. Don't read it if you don't want to. I don't care. And to make it worse for you, I'll be trying to post a football blogsby every day this week. They will run the gamut of footbally things that interest me.

(Yes, I realize that typing "footbally" makes me seem less football-friendly. At least I don't have a pink jersey that says "Mrs. Romo" on the back or some dumb shit. SO SHUT IT.)

I thought today would be a good day to talk about all the different NFL themes that play on each station. And by this, I mean the ACTUAL themes. Not Hank Williams, Jr. asking you if you're ready for some football, or Faith Hill murdering what little there was to that Joan Jett song. I'm talking about all of the themes used as bumpers into commercials and whatnot. I'll post YouTube videos below to help you know what I'm talking about.

Preface: I realized after finding these videos that these themes are like REAL songs. They go on forever and have weird parts in them that I've never heard. It's incredibly disconcerting. Please, listen all the way through the 2ish minutes of each song. It's worth it. (Or it's not, and I'll waste your time, and again, I'll tell you to SUCK IT.)

... Man, I should really try to be nicer. But then I wouldn't like myself as much.

Monday Night Football Theme

This has been around forever. First, most people know that MNF moved from ABC to ESPN a while back. But this song is, like, an institution. There were commercials a while back (I think when they were trying to advertise that it had moved to ESPN) that had people singing it to themselves at work to get through the "Mondays" or something, because then they could go home and watch MNF! MNF! Bah bah bah bah.... bah bah BAH baaaaaah!!! It established the very important motif of trumpets and drums in NFL themes. Can you imagine if someone tried to create a new NFL theme, and it DIDN'T have trumpets or drums? THERE WOULD BE RIOTS IN THE STREETS. MNF knew what they were doing.

NBC Sunday Night Football Theme

This is the gateway between the other themes and the MNF theme. Still a little old school, all TRUMPETS AND DRUMS, but starting to give a little essence of the synthesizerness that is to come. For me, this is probably the most boring theme. I think they spent all their money on getting a new person to sing some stupid cover song each year, so they threw 50 dollars at some high school tuba player who thinks he's the next John Philip Sousa to write a song that "evokes football." That kid is rich and boring now. Wait, he was boring then. Come on, high school tuba player... YOU PLAY THE TUBA. By definition, you will never be the next John Philip Sousa. Go back to playing "Hang On Sloopy" and keep your weird, nerdy hands out of my football themes.

NFL Network's Thursday Night Football Theme

I'll be honest - I've only watched the NFL Network once, and technically not even then. It was this past Christmas, when the Cowboys game was simulcast on the local CW network. So I have no idea what the actual NFL Network experience is like. However, if it is always covered in Deion Sanders, I think I'll refrain. That dude is an idiot. "Prime Time" is not a thing anymore. Squeezing it into whatever point you're making does not mean that you're saying something that makes sense. In fact, it makes LESS sense, and I have to refrain from punching my TV screen. I can't even stand him on those Pepsi Max commercials. Speaking of, doesn't Rich Eisen look like he wants to kill himself in those? I feel bad for him.

What was I supposed to be talking about? Oh right... the theme. The NFL Network is obviously the baby of the bunch, and this theme really seems like it's trying too hard. I wouldn't be surprised if I found out that they hired the Trans Siberian Orchestra to record them a football theme. I mean, even NBC is embarrassed for them. No one wants to think of heavy Christmas music while they're watching football! Especially not on a Thursday - most of these people have another day of work to slog through, and all they want is to relax to some football and not think about the world, but the NFL Network is playing some song that evokes the darkest aspects of a holiday that ruins football with a bunch of family shit. That's straight-up cold, NFL Network. Give the people their football without a side of depression!

NFL on CBS Theme

Here, we start getting some serious fuckin' POWER CHORDS. This one is like, "Yeah, I know we're on CBS, and most of our audience consists of old people who don't know how to change the channel, but it's FUCKIN' FOOTBALL TIME NOW, BITCHES, SO YOU OLD PEOPLE BETTER HOLD ON TO YOUR FUCKIN' DEPENDS. We're about to BLAST your ASSES with AWESOME DUDES hitting each other IN THE FACE. (Well, not in the face, since we have helmets on, and not even in the helmets now, since we'd have to pay a fine for that, but) WE'RE BADASS MOTHERFUCKERS WHO WILL EXPLODE YOUR DAMN TV SCREEN. BLAMMO!" It's a very shouty theme, is what I'm saying. It also somehow toes the line of trying to scare your grandparents AND still being white enough for the old racist people to keep watching despite all those giant minorities beating up on the poor, smaller white folk.

NFL on FOX Theme

(I know the video pic looks the same as the CBS one, but I swear it's different. If you care. Whatever, JUST CLICK ON IT. [All this intense football music is making me feel 'roidy.]) Whenever I watch a FOX game, I have this theme stuck in my head for the rest of the day. It earworms the shit out of me. I think it's because it takes the best ideas from the other themes, mixes it with "The Final Countdown" by Europe, puts it in a blender with a robot doing the electric slide, and throws it up in the air while saying, "We may have Joe Buck, but we're still MORE HARDCORE than anyone else. Shut up, CBS, because we have YOUNG AND HIP people on our station! We even managed to make that sissy-ass Glee show about football because we are STRONG AS FUCK AND INTENSER THAN MACHO MAN RANDY SAVAGE AND MADE OF ROBOT PARTS ARRRRRRRRRGH"

Seriously. Imagine a movie-type montage: Music starts. 2 teams charging out of their respective tunnels. The coin toss. Getting ready for kickoff... that song build comes in... bah dah dah daaaaaaaaaah... DAH! And kickoff. It's epic. It's part of the reason why I'm looking forward to this year's Super Bowl so much.

Also?  Have you HEARD their injury version of the song? I tried to find a video, but I couldn't. It's all sad guitars and John Mayer faces while the player lies helpless on the field. Now, I don't like when players get injured, but if it's GOING to happen, I'd prefer for it to be on FOX. The injury theme took an epic song and turned it into something meaningful. It's like when Poison went from singing "Talk Dirty to Me" to "Every Rose Has Its Thorn." Yes, "Rose" is fucking OVERplayed all the time now, but in the '80s? Minds. Blown. The FOX injury theme completes my life.


So there you go. I have topic ideas for this week, but if you have something footbally that you want me to write about, let me know. IT'S FUCKIN' SUPER BOWL WEEK. Go wash your panties, because they're about to get soiled.

Yeah, it's late, but I'M NOT DRUNK.

I just can't sleep. I tried cleaning for a while, but I'm lazy, so it didn't work out very well.

I keep yelling at the TV. I don't think that's healthy. Right? Yelling at the TV, when you're not watching something that's worthy to be yelling at, doesn't make sense. I think I have problems. I mean, have you ever watched "Parks and Recreation"? Because it's hard to think of that show as the type of program you'd want to yell at. I'm just sayin'.

Have you read Hyperbole and a Half (http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/)? You should. It's incredibly funny. In fact, I thought twice (and by twice, I mean 1500 times) about mentioning it to the few of you who read this. Because it is RIDICULOUS. Way better than me. And the weirdest thing? I feel like a lot of it is my life.

If you've never read Brittany Willis's blog (yes, I do the "s" after the apostrophe, because that's what I learned in grammar, and I'll stick to it, dammit), it's http://feelingfickle.blogspot.com/ and it has similar characteristics to Hyperbole and a Half. Except... Hyperbole and a Half is actually the perfect marriage of MY LIFE and Brittany's Paint drawings (and some of her life, too... I don't wanna trivialize that). Yes, I realize that Allie Brosh started her blog before I or Brittany did, but it's the fact of the matter. MY LIFE IS BEING USURPED BY THIS WOMAN. I don't trust it. I feel weird. My boyfriend read a post of hers and was convinced that I had written it, except for the Paint drawings.

Uncomfortable is the word of my life, for the record.

So anyway, I read all of Allie's posts in 3 days, and I was embarrassed about it. And I realize I'm dealing with some bloggist blackhole right now by blogging about a blog (at this point, it's actually multiple blogs), but this is my life. DEAL WITH IT. I look for a job all day, which means that I have more free time. Or something. Wait. This actually turned into something that doesn't make sense, because it takes FOR FUCKING EVER to look for jobs all day. I'm just sayin'.

What was I talking about? Oh right, Hyperbole and a Half. In my head, I had an awesome blog post about that blog that would have made Allie Brosh want to want me. But in actuality, that is not happening. She's already famous and making money by writing a FUCKING BLOG, while I have 6 years on her (in age, in case you were wondering... not in blog years; although I may have those as well, but we're not getting into my teenage bloggery) and am sad and soon-to-be homeless. Oh no. Is this turning into a pity party? Sorry... I won't let that happen. Anymore. I hope. Or something.

I'm not sure where this is going, anymore. Even though it's 3am, I'm not drunk, and so somehow this blog is MORE embarrassing than the last because I don't have an excuse to back out on. My Hyperbole and a Half blog post was supposed to be epic, in my head, by the way. I'm disappointed at the way this one went. But I'll deal with it. Maybe. Hopefully. One day.

I'm drunk.

So I thought about making a drunk blog (a la Hyperbole and a Half...more on that later), but now I'm just drunk, and I'm not rating the experience. I'M LIVING IT, BITCHES.

I'm watching Better Off Ted. It got cancelled. You should watch this show, and be sad that it got cancelled. Also, be sad about the fact that it didn't get a proper ending. I mean, "Party Down" got a proper ending, and literally NO ONE watched that show when it was on the air.

My friend didn't die. I drove her to my house, and trusted her to get to her house, despite her drunkeness (and honestly, despite my drunkeness). SHE'S ALIVE! She just texted me. I feel a lot better.

Ooooh, look at me, I'm drunk, surrounded by dogs who love me... WHO HAS THIS?!?!? Yeah, suckas...

This is perhaps the worst idea I've ever had in my life. I'm going to go smoke a cigarette and think about things. (Pssttt.... don't tell certain people in my family that I smoke. It makes them uncomfortable.)

Man, do people like me when I'm drunk. Maybe it's because they're drunk. Drunk people love people. Right?? I mean, how many people have gotten drunk texts that are, "You're awesome" or "I love you" or "I like hanging out with you" or "I'm glad I got that weird dude off of you because we're awesome people" or something like that.

So. I'm watching Better Off Ted. Which you already know. Man, this is way less interesting than I thought it was. Also, a dog is laying her head on my arm. It's already hard enough for me to type... but now it's even harder, with this dog on my arm.

ARM ARM ARM ARM ARM ARM.

I got the dog off my arm. Jabberwocky.

You know what I'm talking about. Right? Right. Right? Right. OH WAIT - The dog is licking my pant leg. Awkward.

This house is dark and ominous. It makes noises that I don't appreciate. When I saw "appreciate," I thought that it didn't look like a real word. But SPELL CHECK said it's a real word. I don't like words anymore.

I saw something that said words like "anymore" or "anything" or "anyhow" or "anyway" don't exist. They're supposed to be separate words. THAT'S BOLOGNA. Or BALONEY, if that's your preference. Also, what is with the word "bologna"? Boo.

Shut up, Tashina.

Okay.

Man, even drunk, I'm obsessed with spelling correctly. And I don't think I've done it properly in all contexts.

Man, texting is WAY more taxing than typing on a computer. Stop texting me, people who are texting me.

I may do a better drunk post one day. But I can't guarantee that. WOAH. I just spelled the word "guarantee" and I'm drunk. SUCK ON THAT, BITCHES. YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAH SUCK ON IT.

What is wrong with me? I'm drunk and I'm so worried about proper spelling that I've stopped worrying about blogging. Wait. WHY should I even worry about blogging? I mean, it's a stupid page that I started to feed my own narcissistic needs and now I'm filled with worry about people reading this or whatever, like anyone gives a shit. I mean 5 people DO gives a shit, but who else? NO ONE. FUCK 'EM.

Behold the power of illumenesence! (I don't think I spelled that right - wait, is "illumenesence" even a word? I don't think it is, so I'm surprised that I'd even question the word in the first place)

I want to drink more Riesling. Thanks, Zaire. OR NO THANKS.

Shut up.

No, YOU shut up.

Drunk blogging is stupid. Happy New Year's! (Is it "New Year's" or "New Years"? Or some other option?)

Football Head.

Alright... I know it's another football blog [EDITOR'S NOTE: I've deleted the previous blog at this point], but I've had questions about my term of "football head," so I feel the need to address it further. DEAL WITH IT.

Football head: When someone's head had the shape of a football, minus the pointy ends. Essentially, the point (heh) is to think about it as a head someone can throw like a football. Formally thought of as "linebacker head," until the realization was reached that linebackers just had GIANT heads, period. Seriously. Linebackers are all heads and guts. Which sounds like some kind of motto a football coach would use. "HEADS AND GUTS!"

Nowadays, football head is most noticeable in quarterbacks. Maybe it's because they're the most well-known, I guess. Also, it seems to mostly afflict Caucasians (with one exception). Here are my favorite football heads, with pictures for those of you who are not football-inclined.

Chris Berman

As those of you who read my other football blog (and/or who watch ESPN) know, Chris Berman is not a football player. BUT LOOK AT THAT HEAD. It's so footbally! And Philly cheeseteaky. Seriously. That dude looks (and sounds) like he lives on Philly cheesesteaks and cigars. This is the man for whom the term "football head" was created, so he must be mentioned. He is the President of the Football Head Club, but unlike the Hair Club president, he is not also a client. (And by client, I mean that he doesn't play football. [You know, in case you didn't get my super-subtle jokes. They're so subtle! Right?] Nor is he a client of the Hair Club, obviously.) With this in mind, I shall give each of the following quarterbacks an officer position for the Football Head Club.

Peyton Manning - Public Relations

I couldn't find a good picture of his head, but trust: it is epic. He gets extra points for his ENORMOUS forehead, and pointy chin. Any time I see him without his helmet on, my mind screams, "FOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOTBAAAAAAAAAAAAAALL HEAD." He actually looks more normal with a helmet on. I love it. I wonder if he secretly wants to live with a helmet on at all times, because sometimes he doesn't take it off immediately at the end of games. Pey-Pey makes me want to create an animated cartoon where children play football with his head. Who wouldn't want to watch that cartoon? BECAUSE IT WOULD BE AWESOME. He's also really nice, and has a hot wife. Thus, he is our PR guy.

Eli Manning - Treasurer

Skinny football head! The shape is still there, but it's not as bulbous as some other football headers. Eli is similar to Peyton in that he looks more normal in a helmet, as well. He gets the Treasurer position because his head isn't as impressive as some of the others, and no one likes being treasurer, so he got the short stick. Man, football headers can be jerks sometimes. I bet they were the ones who leaked those pics of Eli drunk in college. Although... so what? Who DIDN'T get drunk in college? Good for Eli for seeming normal. He tempers Peyton's seeming perfection. How did I get on this topic? This is not what I should be talking about.

Donovan McNabb - Secretary

GOOD GRAVY THAT IS A FOOTBALL OF A HEAD. Look at it. It's so glorious in its footballyness. Donovan gets the distinction of being the only minority in the NFL with football head. This distinction, of course, has only been made by me, and I don't know every player in the NFL. Feel free to enlighten me of other football heads in the comments. Why is he the secretary? Because someone had to be. And he keeps to himself, which is what you want in a secretary. I mean, look at this season: the contentious trade, the freefall that the Redskins are in... and is Donovan (I use his first name CUZ WE'RE TOTES BESTIES) causing any shit? No. It's fucking Albert Haynesworth. Good for you, Donnie. Just keep your (SERIOUSLY IT'S HUGE) head down and take those notes.

Ben Roethlisberger - Vice President

Side football head! And OF COURSE he's vice president; he probably intimidated his way into the position, and is now trying to figure out how to kill off Philly Cheesesteak. Man, he is a bad ass as a quarterback, but he brings shame to the good name of Football Head. Allegedly. Also, he is quite beefy for a quarterback. Maybe THAT'S why he's VP. Beefaroni and Philly Cheesesteak work together to keep the quieter members of the Football Head Club in line. And then they inappropriately fondle ladies. Allegedly.

And here are 2 up-and-comers of the Football Head Club...

Jon Kitna

It's like he's about to point at it: "Look guys, it's a football head! Seriously! I'M WORTH SOMETHING." Kitna's road to football headery is much like his NFL career. He's always been there, he's not terrible... but no one really cares about him. His football head is neither large nor weird enough to make an impression. Now that he's helped out the Cowboys some, Beefaroni and Philly Cheesesteak decided that they had to let him in. But he'll probably get kicked out when Romo comes back... even though it's still a majestic football head.

Brett Favre

He didn't always have a football head. But once he retired/got fired/what-the-FUCK-ever from Green Bay, the football head has started to emerge. Any time he has a new issue (be it sucking for the Jets, sucking for the Vikings, or sending photos of his awkward, small penis), the football head gets bigger. I couldn't find a more recent photo, but if you look at him today, his football head is RAGING. Ha... raging football head. That has to be some sexual thing that happens when people tailgate. Anyway, either Brett Favre is eating his feelings, and all that food is going to his head, or he consciously tried to grow a football head in order to distract people from his personal problems. Either way, it amuses me greatly, so I encourage your football head, Brett Fuckre.

I was gonna write about how Tom Brady's head is the opposite of football head, and how he's trying to create a new club called I Grew My Hair Out So That People Don't Know How Small My Head Is Club. But clearly, the joke is right there in the club name. So I'll just leave it at that. Feel free to comment on other football heads (whether they play football or not), or Tom Brady-like heads. Seriously. Look at Tom Brady in a helmet. HIS HEAD IS RIDICULOUSLY SMALL.

Some people are crazy.

So I'm directing this show, 4.48 Psychosis by Sarah Kane. [WARNING: I'm about to pimp this shit.] It runs December 2-4 and 9-12 at Art Six (424 Bryan) in Denton, Texas. If you're around, you should see it. I love Sarah Kane, but some people don't. I understand it, particularly if you only read her early work. It's easy to read it as "shock for shock's sake," but I don't see it that way. I think you can find real humanity and hope in her work, as well as some deep, raw, depressing emotions that should ring true for every person, regardless of whether you've ever felt depression.

Woah. That last sentence was not grammatically correct. But you know what I'm saying. ANYWAY. Enough with that. I'm still here to talk about Sarah Kane... but only because in my research, I found some SUPER FUCKING CRAZY people who love her. These people are the reason why people don't like Sarah Kane. Let me show what you what I've found. (NOTE: These are from discussion boards. I've redacted any names to protect the insane.)

Ever since i read 4.48 i have been thinking how i would stage it.
I'd begin casually by passing a kitten around the audience. They would play with the cat and see how cute it is. The curtains would open reveling a complex stage including a huge clock that didnt tell the time but instead counted towards 04.48. From the clock would be a series of wires and car batteries connected to a metal cage. The kitten would then be put in the cage. The play would start at 3.48 and the finish exactly at 4.48. at 4.48 the kitten would be electrocuted which the audience would be made aware of as the play went on.
The kitten would put the audience on edge throughout the performance. "Will the kill the cat?" "Is this legal?" "Should i walk out?" "should i call the police?". The cat is a metaphor for suffering and metal illness. What better way of showing depression than showing death a poisoned minds. An actual play involving real danger, real fear.
And at 4.48 - would i actually kill the cat?
Maybe
...yeah i think i would. Call me sick but i think that would be real art. REAL theatre.

Um. WHAT?!? Now, I'm a person who thinks that theatre (or really, art in general) is all about opinion; if someone says it's theatre, it's theatre. It's just a matter of whether it's good or bad theatre IN YOUR OPINION. So, based on that, I'd go ahead and say that the above statement would be bad theatre. ARE YOU REALLY GOING TO KILL A CAT?!?! Also, what does "real theatre" even mean? Crazy. Crazy person. Speaking of crazy...

Imagine, if you will...... colostomy bags bursting, drip feeds crashing, sh*t everywhere, teeth falling away, tumors oozing, pools of stinking opulence.

Oh, I'm imagining it. I'm also imagining your CRAZY, CRAZY FACE. Are we reading the same play? Maybe I'm the one who is confused, because this next guy thought that this would be a good image:

cartoon of a head with a dotted line across the neck with CUT HERE written beside it and the sign of a pair of scissors or a cutting knife beside it

Well, of course. OF COURSE there would be a CARTOON onstage for a show about suicide. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE?!?

Sigh. Listen, all you theatre people: when you choose to produce something just to SHOCK people, it'll suck. If there are shocking images in a production that you TRULY believe in staging, then it's worth doing. Good theatre always has heart behind it.

I don't really have anywhere to go with this blogsby. I just couldn't believe these batshit people, and had to share. So come see my show! It'll be kinda crazy, but in a good way. Not in a "I'ma kill a cat, bitches" way.

What do women want?

There was recently a trending hashtag (that shouldn't ever be a phrase... "trending hashtag"? WHAT is that?) on Twitter (I mean, think about 5 years ago - saying "trending hashtag on Twitter" would get you committed to a psych ward) that was #whatwomenwant. Also, #whatdowomenwant, apparently (I thought it was #whatwomenwant, but I just copy/pasted the hashtag on my Twitter, and I now realize both were being used).  Most of the people I followed were tweeting or retweeting (DUDE, don't even get me started on the verb "tweet" and its related words, because I hate myself whenever I say it or write it) obnoxiously sexist posts. I, in my infinite feminism (and PMS-related emotions), became enraged. So here were my responses:


For men to shut the fuck up about THEIR FEELINGS.
For men to have a period just once in their lives.
For men to have babies. YOU DEAL WITH IT.
For men to understand that all vaginas look different. Your penis is disappointing too, but at least we don't say anything.


So... yeah. Perhaps a slight overreaction. Or is it? I mean... I probably have, at some point in my life, wanted all 4 of those things to happen. Unfortunately, what happens is this: men can write "pithy" sayings about what women want, but by me flipping the switch, I'm some sort of hateful bitch. I HATE IT. I can't get angry about things without people making it about my gender. 


I felt like this blog was going somewhere when I started it. Clearly, it is not. I've gotten caught up in job applications and a marathon of Psych. So I'll just end this with a list of what I want.


1. For James Roday (of Psych) to tone himself a little. He's got MOOBS (tiny ones, but they're there) in season 4! Okay, I understand that people don't need to be crazy fit all the time. But I'm superficial, and James Roday is eye candy, so he needs to BRING IT. Also, it's like I'm doing a gender reversal! Yeah, DUDES need to get in shape, not ladies. Or something.
2. To start having some sort of want to work out. But I think this will never happen.
3. To stop being polite, and start getting real. No, just kids. THE REAL WORLD SUCKS. Wait, I mean the show. I mean, the world does too, sometimes.
4. For Jason Garrett to turn the Cowboys around.
5. For Gloria Estefan to turn the beat around.
6. To choreograph a dance routine to "Beat It."
7. For Weird Al to get back to his hey day of "Eat It."
8. To use the term "hey day" more. Or is it "heyday"? I think I like it better as one word.
9. To make Scott Foley happen. Hey, he's gonna be on Grey's Anatomy! That's a start.
10. To be able to be an instrument virtuoso. I don't care what instrument it is. I wanna virtuo it.


This is just the beginning of what I want. There's so much more! I can't share them all with you at once, though. Why else would you keep reading this?