Don't be a Secret Bitch.

I'm increasingly getting annoyed at a certain type of person. I've encountered many of them of my life, as I'm sure other people have as well. (Man, is that ever a Peter King sentence.) The type of person I'm talking about is the Secret Bitch. Now, before I continue, I will state that the same things I'm about to say also apply to certain men. Some may call those people Secret Assholes, but I don't believe in gender discrimination in my curse words, so they're all Secret Bitches to me.

So now, I will draft an open letter to Secret Bitches:

Hey, Secret Bitch. How's it going? Secretly bitchily (woah, double adverb), I'd guess. Here's the thing: I am a bitch. Hell... I am a Bitch. So what's the difference between you and me? I'm open and honest about being a bitch. I understand that my bitchiness prevents certain people from liking me. Some perceive my bitchiness as a character flaw. I'm fine with that. I enjoy being a Bitch, although I'm also aware of when I step over the line. (Doesn't mean I take my "over the line" action back, but... that's a blogsby for another day.)

You, however, are the exact description of my title: Secret Bitch. You have an uncanny ability to be really nice and considerate at first, and often seem like you're a good listener. But once you're "in" with people, the real you comes out. Conversations cannot last 3 minutes without you interrupting to make the focus come back to you. Slowly, but surely, the people with whom you've entrenched yourself are too far in to do anything about it. We just have to sit there while you constantly commandeer the conversation into whatever boring story you want to tell.

I mean... we thought you were cool! Even out-and-out bitches (like myself) are cool sometimes. But you... you go from being cool for the first month or two to being consistently LAME and SELFISH and SECRETLY BITCHY. For shame, Secret Bitch. For shame.

Here's my point (do I have one? I don't even know anymore, honestly, but this is a letter, so I suppose I should act like I do): No matter what kind of bitch (or Bitch) you are, you should always be aware that no one wants to hear you talk all the time. No one thinks you're cool all the time. No one thinks you're right all the time. No one wants to hear you talk about how cool and/or right you are all the time. Except you. And if that's the case, then maybe you should just stay in your apartment and talk to yourself.

Clearly, you have the ability to understand sharing in conversations (see: the first month or two of meeting someone). WHY is it, after you know someone, that you think those basic skills of communication can be eliminated? YOU HAVE TO SHARE. Even if you think someone else's conversation is super boring, ALLOW for them to finish their story. Then you can go on and on about some lame thing no one ELSE cares about. This is the "magic" of being social - no one wants to hear anyone else's story, and each person wants to tell his/her story. Live with that, and learn how to share the limelight.

Otherwise, my out-and-out bitchiness will erupt in an inappropriate way, and it'll make everyone feel uncomfortable. Except for me, of course, because I DON'T GIVE A SHIT.